the lives of butterflies

year 4 - spellbound (summer)

After Kai leaves for the night, I head back to our room, push the door open slightly. The light is gray and the last of it seeps through the window, making the room gloomier than it actually is. I turn on the lamp and just sit there at my desk, feeling its warmth. I turn around and look at Kai's bed, neatly made, like always. I look at mine, its sheets and blankets rumpled around like I'm the dog who's been circling around it like a nest before settling in for sleep.

I couldn't picture what Jacob would be doing if I was in university - he would have graduated already. Doing what? I didn't know. Something interesting. Maybe he'd help me figure out the mystery of Kai. Get into his head, at least a little. His furry little head with his ears and the softness of his hair. I push the image away.

I can't keep from frowning. Was he really that devoted? Because of the contract? If I ended it, would he still protect me in the same way? Or would he turn away and run, without a second glance or thought?

I just don't understand why he gave me a second chance. It felt like a precious gift, a tiny bird with broken wings. I would need to nurture it, show him that I could be better.

Because if he left...

There's a weird knot in my stomach when I think of him leaving. My eyes prickle with tears. Separated. I'm uncomfortable now, for some reason. Does the contract somehow bind our minds together? I think about pulling the leash, but stop. It's not necessary. He isn't a dog anymore.

What was he doing now? Waiting for the moon? Waiting for his clan? Would he be safe?

I rub my finger against the wooden chair. Why was I thinking about him so much?

I had to get away from these thoughts. I didn't want to think this way about him, a boy who was supposed to be here to serve me, who didn't really have any kind of independence. Or did he? I stare at his bed, wishing Jacob was here, and we'd talk about this as the night slipped in, the two of us imagining the world outside of this village, even beyond university, and making plans to leave this village behind forever. But he left me behind - no. More like I was too young to follow him.

But I'm not too young now. Now, I could see myself at university, continuing my studies.

A tiny scent arrives in my next breath. It's sweet, like rich honey. Like a more intense version of that scent on the first night, when I told him to brush his tail against my face. I blush. I still don't know why I asked him to do that. And I still don't know why I always think of it.

I take a deeper breath, and it's still there, stronger, mixed with the scent of the meadow. Did Merle somehow sneak in? With perfume? No. She's not the kind of girl to do that. The perfume thing. Sneaking in - yes.

"Hey," I call. Nothing. No footsteps. Mother and Father were in the living room, so they would say something if she came in. I shake my head slightly. The scent is still there. Where did it come from? What is it?

I stand up slowly, look around at the dark corners of the room, like someone's about to pounce on me. "Merle," I whisper-call. "What are you doing?"

Why did I barely think of her when we weren't together? How could I make this partner thing better if I... didn't know how?

Fucking Kai. He had consumed my mind in the past hour, and he wasn't even here. Interfering with me and Merle. I frown again, then realize I'm just standing in the middle of the room, trying to figure out where that damn smell is coming from. It's now so dark outside, the clouds covering everything. Only the orange lamp reminds me that I'm not outside in the cold and wind. I pictured him shivering in his long shirt, his tail trying to keep at least his legs warm.

But he didn't get cold. I had never seen him shiver from the weather.

A sudden image of him flashes in my mind. He's standing, naked, his slender body against the moon and contrasted by the shadows of the forest. His tail brushing against his ass, ears pricked, nails curled, ready to meet his hungry clan again. I couldn't see his face, but I knew it would be solemn, serious, like he always was, without fear.

Until the last time I almost hit him.

There's a twist in my stomach that travels to my chest. And once again, I feel shame.

I still don't know how you're still staying with me.

I try to forget the image of him, bare in the moonlight, but can't. Was I trying to imagine Merle instead? But that goddamn smell wasn't going away, and I knew she had no desire to smell like that. I finally shove the image of him away, all of those thoughts about him, and focus on what's actually in the room. Me and that smell.

The scent was definitely stronger near Kai's bed. I just grimace. Did he somehow... leave shit in the bed and it just smells like that?

I could not imagine him doing something like that.

I rub the sides of my head. Could this really be his way of getting back at me? I walk slowly to the bed, my hand reaching slowly at the sheets. I peel away the top layer. Nothing. The first sheet. Clean. All the other sheets. Pristine. I put them back and check under the bed, then remember that it's already dark and I'm looking at shadows.

God, what the fuck? I lean over my own bed and sniff it. Nothing. I head back to Kai's bed and sniff near his pillow.

Good lord.

It's like I've suddenly been sent back to the meadow in the summer, on a late afternoon, with the insects and their lazy humming and the colors of the flowers around us. I don't even know why I keep bringing him everywhere when his only job is to look after the house and serve as my guardian.

But this smell, it's just like those days in the meadow with the sunshine. So warm, and rich. I close my eyes and inhale. Rest my cheek on the bedspread, its cool fabric sharp against that summery sweet smell. What the fuck is wrong with me? My body won't move. It just stays there, taking in this scent, my heart racing, my stomach lurching, like I hadn't drunk anything for days and just now got water from the hand of God. My face is so warm now, and I'm kneeling against his bed, my dick growing even harder against my underwear. God, why. What the fuck was I even doing?

I pull myself away from the bed, breathing hard. I hold my hand to my heart. Was I dying? My heart was beating too fast. My face burned. Was this poison? Could he get poison gas and make it so that I die so he could escape...

I would do whatever I could to protect you. Those words. From him. Was it a lie? Did he secretly hate me, like how I used to hate him? No. That wasn't right. Him hating me. More like me hating him. But he swore that he would defend me. Because if I died, he died-

My skin crawls with endless shivers. What was happening to me? It's been how long, and I'm still thinking about him. The room spins around me, and I stumble to my own bed, gasping for breath and sweating. I couldn't live like this, my mind obsessing over him. And I couldn't stop it. I can't fucking stop it! I can't control my own mind. My own body. I rub tears from my eyes. I wanted to break the lantern open, flood this room in magic and set it on fire, just to destroy these thoughts.

But I walk over and switch it off, like how I always do, and close the curtains, shutting out the light from the full moon, quieting the howls in the distance, keeping my head from thinking so much about the wolf boy and the kind of spell his scent cast on me. I unwrinkle my sheets and crawl under them, hoping that the darkness will chase away all of the things that I wished I had never thought about.