unforgettable ✧ smokepump

TEN

"just because i kissed you once doesn't make me gay"

omar

i laid out on the carpet, drawing a picture with my assorted crayons while spongebob played in the background while my uncle was outside doing yard work.

my mother was at work, and i was off from school that day, so she would often have me over my uncle's house so he could watch me. i could be extremely wild, so obviously having me be alone while my mom worked wasn't the brightest idea.

i continued to draw my picture, which was a picture of me and this boy from school who's name i don't even remember anymore holding hands. in my 7 year old mind, i didn't see anything wrong with it. a lot of the boys in my class could like girls, so why couldn't i like this boy?

i couldn't remember his name, but i remembered he was the shortest boy in the class, he had big brown eyes, and if i could remember correctly, he was columbian.

i always loved columbians.

after i finished my drawing, i excitedly ran outside to show my uncle what i drew. he was going to be so proud of what i made! it was so pretty.

when i got outside, he was taking a break from mowing the lawn, and i showed him the picture.

"tío, mira lo que dibujé por favor?" i asked excitedly, my eyes lighting up with excitement.

i was of course, not expecting what he said next.

"que mierda es esto, omar?" he spat at me.

i was taken aback by his sudden profantity and anger. all i did was draw a picture, why was he so angry with me?

"this is not right," he continued as he started shredding the picture, tears prickling in my eyes as the picture that i worked so hard on was ruined. "two boys shouldn't be close with each other in that way. you should only like girls in that way. two boys together is a sin, a dios no le gusta."

i was full on crying at this point, tears pouring down my face after the harsh lecture i just recieved.

"stop that," he scolded me for crying now, slapping me across the face. "boys don't cry. you don't have anyone around to teach you how to be a man, and that's what i'm here for, now go on in the house and watch tv."

i turned around and obeyed him, tears still streaming down my face as i left confused. what did i even do wrong?

i woke up from my dream, which wasn't even a dream, but moreso a flashback to something that happened during my childhood.

that was weird. i usually don't get flashbacks from my childhood like that, i mean, not ones like that that make me feel upset. i never really went through trauma as a kid, so i was confused as to what that was all about.

needless to say, it made me feel uneasy. i would have a flashback to my uncle scolding me for doing something gay when i was like 7 and didn't even know what gay was, right when i'm struggling to get rid of these gay thoughts.

whatever, let me stop thinking about this shit, because i'm not gay.

i don't even know why i'm having these thoughts. it's obvious i'm not gay. i'm attracted to women. i get hard when i see tits. me being attracted to gazzy for whatever reason doesn't change the fact that i'm straight.