unforgettable ✧ smokepump

EIGHTTEEN

"once again, i'm the only single friend"

gazzy

family is overrated.

i mean, i love my mother and my sister with all of my heart. that's a given. i'd give them the world if i could. i'd be willing to give them the shirt off of my back if that was all i had for myself and it was what they needed because i love them so much.

but my relationship with my dad is what makes me wonder if family is actually worth it, because more and more, i'm starting to feel as if society makes it out as if you're supposed to love your family no matter what they do to you and how fucked up it is, especially if it's your parents. society says you're supposed to love your parents no matter how abusive or neglectful they are. how could you not? they gave you life after all. you wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for them, so you basically owe them everything. respect your elders and blah blah blah.

and it's not just my dad. he's just obviously left the biggest scars, both literally and figuratively. the way the rest of my family treated me after i came out may not have been disowning me and beating the shit out of me like my father did, but being silently shunned and treated differently by your own family just because of the gender i liked soured my view on family as well.

why am i thinking about all of this? because my father decided to show up and make an ass out of himself, as well as use me as his personal punching bag a little bit before he left and took cassy with him.

i was planning on just hiding out in omar's room until he left, because it's not like he would look for me or anything. but because i had the worst luck in the world, i had to go piss, and right after i left the bathroom and got ready to retreat back into the room, he had to rear his ugly head, and i was going to just ignore him when he tried to start a conversation with me, but that made things even worse. 

i ignored his calls trying to get his attention, because he doesn't deserve to speak to me after what he's done to me or to our family in general, but me ignoring him only made him angrier, causing him to pounce on me and punch me in the face a couple of times, before my mom threatened to call the cops and he stopped attacking me, leaving me with a black eye and a busted lip after the fact.

honestly, i didn't care about the physical injuries. i was just straight up embarrassed. it's one thing to bring family drama within the family, but now he's involving sarahi and omar in this shit too by bringing it into their home. i'm so fucking glad that omar was at work when this shit happened. if he saw me like that i would have crawled up into a hole forever and never came out. shit's just embarrasing.

and speaking of omar, i don't know why i can't find it in me to hate him. i mean, i really, really should. i shouldn't care what he thinks, i shouldn't be giving him the time of day, any of that shit.

maybe i'm just a dumbass like everybody says i am, but i could tell that he didn't mean it when he said he wanted me to move on from him, and i couldn't bring myself to do it. i mean, i almost fucked jahseh the same night that he said that shit to me, and neither of us could go through with it because we were too stuck on our men who were currently playing games.

and now jahseh and stokeley are back together, and once again, i'm the only single friend.

i could tell that it wouldn't be that way for long though, because no matter how much he doesn't want to admit it, i knew that omar wanted me just as much as i wanted him. that's why we spent the entirety of last night making out and cuddling in his bed after i told him i needed him (and with an extremely headass line too).