unforgettable ✧ smokepump

FIFTEEN

"that's what happens when your dick and your heart works faster than your brain."

omar

i felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world right now.

after i said what i said to gazzy, i immediately regretted it when i saw that look of hurt flash in his eyes for a split second before he tried to act all unaffected and unbothered by what i said.

gazzy was hurt and heartbroken right now on a day that was supposed to be fun because of me.

what gazzy doesn't know is that i'm acting like this towards him for his own good.

that probably sounds idiotic and asinine, but it's the truth. gazzy and i can't continue this whole flirty friends with benefits type thing we have going on any longer. all it was going to do was end badly, with even more heartache for the poor boy. he was already so attached to me, and i was starting to catch feelings for him as well, so i had to nip this shit in the bud now before he fell even deeper in love with me and it made his heartbreak even more painful in the long run. if we continued on the path we were on, it would have ended with nothing but hurt feelings for everyone involved.

because gazzy deserves better than someone who was just going to lead him on, which is what i was doing. i gave him false hope that we would end up together and live happily ever after, when that would never happen because i'm not gay.

even if i am gay, which i might still be, i'm not capable of having a real relationship with actual romance and feelings involved. i'm just not built for it. i've never been in a real relationship - just flings, so if i did date gazzy, i'd probably end up doing something wrong and breaking his heart anyway.

like i did just now...

i wish i could just not give a fuck, and just pin gazzy down and rearrange his insides like i so desperately want to, but i couldn't use gazzy as just another sex doll the way i used girls in the past. i wouldn't be able to live with myself if i used him for sex. i care for him too much.

he probably thinks i hate him right now, but it's the exact opposite. i love him so much that i don't want to lead him on anymore because he's more than just a fat ass and nice lips to me, and gazzy deserves someone who would be able to connect with him emotionally as well as physically.

but even though i had my reasons for how i acted today, i couldn't shake that burning feeling in my chest telling me i fucked up.

the car ride back was one of the most awkward experiences i've ever gone through. gazzy was staring out the window the whole time, sniffling and trying not to cry, which made me feel worse. jahseh was glaring at me with pure venom in his eyes, as if he wanted to kill me right then and there - i'm guessing he knows what happened. stoke was sleeping and snoring his fat ass off, diego and kimetrius were in their own little world, cuddling in the backseat together with the teddy bear that metri won today. if i wasn't painfully single, i might have found it cute. and i couldn't see what cassy was doing, but she seemed pissed off too as she gripped the steering wheel so hard that her knuckles went white.

honestly, all i wanted to do was go home and go to bed at this point, because today was supposed to be fun, but yet i felt regret eating me alive even though i was only trying to make things right and protect gazzy's feelings, even though i ended up hurting them.