Irreplaceable

14

This was now officially the worst week of my life. I had blocked Derek on my phone and told my mom that I changed my mind about the date. Her sympathetic look was the absolute worst, but my dad's knowing one was pretty crappy too. He was the one that saw me come in the door after the mall incident. He didn't say anything, but I knew he knew something happened.

I couldn't even talk to Nate about it. I knew exactly what he was going to say. Four words that every man hates with all their being: I told you so. Although even if I had wanted to tell him, he was nowhere to be found. When I called he didn't answer and when we were at work he was all business. He was definitely avoiding me.

It wasn't until I saw him at the mall when I was out with Greg that I realised he wasn't just avoiding me... he was going out with other people. There in the food court he was, surrounded by at least four others, laughing and throwing chips at... well I didn't even know who that was. I recognized one of the guys from his class last year, but that was it.

I felt lost. Nate was my best friend. How could he just leave me like this? I mean, he didn't know what had happened with Derek the Douche, but that wasn't the point! Best friends were supposed to be there for each other. They were supposed to take you out for ice cream when your knees were skinned, like he did in eighth grade.

My pride may have been the only thing that was damaged, but I needed him. I missed him and it had only been a week. Why wasn't he answering my texts? What was with the cold shoulder all of a sudden? Part of me was angry at him for doing this to me. Why now? Of all the times to have a man-stration why the hell had he chosen now!?

That was what caused the biggest mistake of my life. Yep. You guessed it. I confronted him right there in the mall, in front of all his new friends. I just stormed up in all my self-righteous anger and gave him hell for ignoring me. I knew it was the wrong thing to do the second I opened my mouth, but it was like I couldn't stop.

"What the fuck Nate? Why are you ignoring me?" I blasted. The look of shock from his face and the faces of the others didn't do a thing to cool my anger.

"What are you doing Brad?" He shot back at me. I lowered my brows and ignored the stares.

"What am I doing? What are you doing? I tried texting you and you don't even give me the courtesy of a response back?" I shouted back at him. His mouth twisted up and he got up from his seat to tower over me.

"You want to talk to me about courtesy? Really Brad? After all the times you ditched me for your brother, you really think you can talk to me about ignoring people? Maybe I just got sick of the bullshit. Go find someone else to be at your beck and call. How about that Derek guy?" He snapped back with a growl.

"I..." I flinched under the look he was giving me. I didn't know what to say.

"Yeah. That's what I thought." He turned away from me and started talking in a low voice with the others. I stood there, stunned. The sick feeling in my stomach was taking over. I felt like I wanted to throw up.

"Hey there you are. Let's get out of here bro." Greg came and slung his arm across my shoulders and I turned away from the group. It was a struggle to take a breath. My whole body wanted to turn around and apologise. My head was screaming at me to tell him everything. Instead I looked up at my big brother and smiled.

"Ah, yeah. Let's get out of here."

*

I felt numb. I picked up my phone at least a dozen times during the next day to call or text Nathan and then realised he wasn't going to be there. Was he right? Was I the asshole? At first I thought he was wrong, but then I started thinking over all the years of our friendship and... maybe he really was right.

All the times that I had dropped the phone when Greg showed up at the door played through my mind. Add to that all the broken plans and all the times I had gone on and on about our visits; I was a terrible friend. God how had I not realised what a self absorbed prick I was?

I was panicking now. What had I done? Had I ruined our friendship forever? How do I fix this? What if Nathan didn't want me to fix this? I mean... I was toxic. He deserved so much better. HE was smart and funny and... perfect. What was I? I was a loser. I was just a short, dumb, ugly childhood friend. He should have ditched me ages ago.

Part of me was confused on why he had stuck around for as long as he did. He was so much better than my sidekick. I stared at the photos of us on my drawers and wondered where all that fun and happiness had gone. Maybe I had just got too comfortable with how things were and forgot to put effort into our friendship. Maybe this was really all my fault.

"Hey honey? What are you doing? I tried calling you." My mom stood in my door with a concerned look. I turned and shook my head like I was trying to dislodge my thoughts.

"Mom, do you think I am a good friend?" I asked in a small voice. She looked at me with a considering face and came in to sit on my bed.

"I think the fact that you are asking me that means that you are, Brad." She replied. I came and sat next to her.

"I don't think I have been a very good friend lately. Nathan and I are having a fight, and I think it is my fault." I admitted to her. She looked at me seriously.

"Well, what are you going to do about it?" She asked me cautiously. I sighed.

"I'm not really sure what to do about it. He won't talk to me." I was picking at the bottom of my shirt and my mom grabbed my hand.

"Did he block you? Is that it?" She gave me a sympathetic look. I gave her a 'whatever' glare.

"Shush you. That's the thing. I don't think he has. He just won't reply." I looked at her with all the confusion I was feeling.

"Hmm, silent treatment. Got it. Did you apologize yet?" She gave me a look that I recognised. The whole 'mom knows you haven't done what you were supposed to' look. The one that pierces your soul and guilt trips you without really saying much.

"Mmm... no. Not really. How do I know he will even read it?" I mumbled. She patted my back.

"You don't. You just have to trust in your friendship. Give him some time and show him you are sorry. You can fix this Brad, if you want to." She got up and left my room, closing the door behind her and leaving me to my thoughts.

"I want to. I just don't know if I can." I whispered to my walls.

A/N I probably shouldn't be writing all this morose stuff while I am struggling with my own depression... but hey, maybe it will sound better or something since I feel about as low as my characters right now.