Irreplaceable

17

"I... I...." It wasn't coming out. I stared at my Aunt Emily from across the table at a loss. She was grinning at me like the cat that caught the canary.

"Spit it out mister." She said unsympathetically. I took a deep breath.

"I think Nate has... had a crush on me." My eyes went wide at the mere mention of such absurdity. She cackled at my expression.

"Ding ding. We have a winner. Now do you get it? Why he might be so flipping mad at you right now?" She watched me carefully as I processed everything. I gulped.

"Oh god. I am a horrible person. I really am a naïve, oblivious fucktard." I crumpled in the seat in front of her and she looked like she was about to panic.

"Oi. Come on now. It can't be that bad. You can just make it up to him." She was patting my hand and glancing around like the cops were after her.

"No I can't. I can never make up for this. He has moved on already and he deserves so much better. Look at me. I am pathetic." I put my head on my arms and sobbed into them.

"Is everything alright ma'am?" I heard a voice say.

"Everything is fine. He just heard some bad news." She said to the guy, patting my arm now. "Get up, you are embarrassing yourself."

"But what do I do!? I literally shoved him away. He must hate me. I can't fix this." I whined to her. She gave me a look that said 'seriously just stop talking before I murder you in public' and crossed her arms over her ample chest.

"So you want to?" She said to me. I tilted my head like a confused puppy.

"What? What do you mean?" I asked in a baffled voice.

"You want to fix this?" She replied. I nodded hesitantly. She gave me a considering look. "Well first you have to decide how you feel about him."

"What? What do you mean? He is my best friend." I was puzzled by that, and realised I was just repeating myself like an idiot.

"Is that it? If he is just your best friend, and only ever going to be your best friend, you need to decide that now. If you don't draw that line now... you are just going to be stringing him along. Again." She was being frank and I think I was finally starting to get it.

"Oh. I see what you mean. Okay. How do I feel?" I was looking at her like she had all the answers and she laughed at me.

"Oh sweetheart, I have no idea. How do you feel?" She looked at me expectantly. I blinked. This was like walking into a midterm without studying. I should know. I felt panicked and like I didn't have a clue what to expect or what the answers were. It was a sickening feeling. "Look, why don't you just take a little more time and think about it."

"Think about it. I can do that. Yeah. Okay. I'll think about it." I nodded dazedly. This was so much harder than I thought it was going to be. I watched Aunt Emily get up, got up hastily to give her a hug and then sat back down to finish my lunch. I had fifteen more minutes before I had to go back to the garage.

What should I do? Maybe I should ask my brother. He had more experience with this sort of thing, right? I mean, I could ask my mom but... I had a feeling she would be really disappointed in me. I didn't know how I knew, I just had a feeling.

*

"How do you know if you are in love?" I stared at my brother from across the paint splattered table in his art studio and he avoided my gaze.

"What? What are you talking about? You are too young to worry about that sort of thing." He said distractedly as he worked on the canvas in front of him. I glared at him for a second with a raised brow.

"Oh please. You were well on your way to being with Mark at my age. How did you know? Was it something in particular that made you realise you were in love?" I leant over the work surface and propped my head on my hands while I watched him glance over at me with a funny look and a blush.

"Pfff. Whaaat? I was perfectly legal when we got together, I will have you know." He replied, dodging my questions.

"That wasn't the question. Come on. Tell me." My brow furrowed as I watched his face flash with emotions.

"Nope. Not telling. Go on and get out of here, I need to finish this piece." He wiped a stripe of red across one cheek and I snickered at him.

"Come ooooon. Pretty please big brother." I flashed the best puppy dog eyes at him that I could manage. He snorted and put down his palette for a second. He came and sat next to me, picking at the paint dried on the surface of the table absently as he spoke.

"All right, fine. The truth is... at first I didn't know. It took being with the wrong person for all the wrong reasons for me to realise that I was doing it wrong. I thought that you had to be with someone who seemed perfect for you. But you don't necessarily. I had to wait for the love of my life to even acknowledge me for two whole years." He looked at me with uncertainty in his eyes.

"So, you didn't realise you liked Mark?" I asked with wide eyes.

"Not at first. When I finally did I couldn't even have him. It was hell." He smiled at me sadly. I took a deep breath. This wasn't really helping me at all. I knew he wanted to help me but this just didn't apply. At least, I didn't think it did. Did it? My brain hurt. My brother needed to get back to work so I reluctantly made my way out of the studio.

I had no idea what I was going to do next.