Irreplaceable

20

"Bradley get out of the fucking washroom!" I heard my sister scream from her bedroom. I sighed and stared in the mirror one last time.

"You can do this. It is just school. You have done it a million times before. Just be cool." I gave myself a pep-talk as my mother yelled at my sister outside. A bang on the door and I was reaching for the handle to open it up before I got into trouble. My mom looked a bit shocked as I went back to my bedroom to grab my books.

"Jesus bro, you got a hot date in the cafeteria today?" My sister said with a bit of sarcasm.

"No. I just figured I was slipping into bad..." I managed to say before she slammed the door. "Habits." I raised a brow at my mom and we chuckled a little.

"Please don't wake the beast up. You know I prefer her sleep walking in the morning." She quipped to me as I started down the stairs. I laughed and wandered into the kitchen where plates were waiting and a tray of pancakes sat. I grabbed four, hesitated and then put one back.

"I always take too much." I muttered as I poured the maple syrup over them and dug into the shorter stack. I tried to eat carefully so I didn't get anything on my clean clothes. I wasn't sure what had me feeling so self-conscious today, but I figured it was the up coming exams that had me so jittery.

I definitely did not sit next to the monster on the way to school. Walking through the halls after getting off a packed bus, I felt my eyes searching for a tall stature amongst the crowd. I tried to avoid looking right at him knowing I was just going to stare. It was like my brain couldn't stop being stupid now that I knew.

Instead of walking the other way, I decided to walk by him on the way to my locker. It really made no difference which hall I went down. This way was maybe a little quicker, or that was the excuse my brain was giving me. I had also been avoiding this way for the last three months. I felt his eyes on me as I walked by and remembered why.

It was okay. I could do this. I glanced behind me as I rounded the corner and flashed a shy smile when our eyes connected for a brief instant. I didn't wait around to see what effect that might have had on him. I felt like my heart was beating faster and pretended it was panic that I might be late for class.

They felt like endless classes today. It felt like the day was ten times longer than normal. I met up with the guys at lunch and tucked into the tuna casserole that was on the menu today. I felt the stares on me. It wasn't that bad, the casserole that is. Tasted pretty good for school food. I think it was the veggies they put in it.

"Hey Brad. You okay man?" Chris piped up. I glanced up from my clear plate and smiled.

"Sure. Why?" I asked curiously. The guys looked between them.

"You barely spoke a word all lunch." Pete replied for him. Mike crossed his arms and was frowning at me.

"I'm fine guys. I swear. Just hungry today." I defended my actions. They shrugged and went back to the lively discussion they were having. My gaze floated around the room, stopping briefly when I saw Nate sitting with his group of friends. I smiled a little to myself at how happy he looked.

I got up with a few minutes left and grabbed some junk from the machine. It was too much. I really had to stop doing that. Oh! I had an idea. I went down the hall and stood in front of the row of lockers for a second, glancing over my shoulder to make sure no one was watching.

I dialed in the combination that I had seen all those times I stared. My heart raced as it took a couple tries. I was essentially breaking and entering. God I was such a criminal. I laughed to myself and dumped a few things on the top shelf next to his books. Then I slammed it shut and took off down the hall. I ducked into the men's room and locked myself in a stall.

What was I doing? I was such a creep. I scrubbed my face and took deep breaths. Now was not the time to second guess myself. It was done. I laughed a little guiltily. It was just payback. For all those times he shared his food with me. Yeah. That's it.

I went to class when the bell rang and avoided looking around for him. It was hard to do. I had to pretend that I was alright though. I needed to focus on my school work. I was determined to pass all my classes this year. I couldn't afford any distractions. So if I just thought of this as... making up for being an asshole friend?

Yeah. I was going to show him I cared about him too. Even when we weren't talking. The almighty Google said that all signs point to me liking Nathan. So I need to just man up and make it up to the bastard (according to them at least).

Step one, get the boy's attention. I would say that I was doing that. I know it was pretty dumb of me to following advice from the internet, but so far it seemed like it was going okay. I mean, I was just walking by him all week. Nothing special. We still hadn't talked again, but I was trying to be patient.

Step two was to get to know the guy... but I already knew this boy. I knew he liked Oreos and Snickers bars, especially during exam time. I was slipping them into his locker every once in awhile on the sly. I caught him munching on one of the treats I left him after school that day and it made me grin to myself.

I felt like one of those girls in a cheesy romance novel trying to get the boy to like her but being too nervous to tell him who was doing the wooing. This must have been how Nathan had felt for the past while. That thought just made me feel guilty all over again. I probably hadn't helped any, because according to the websites I had been 'leading him on' with my behaviour too.

No wonder he was mad at me. It wasn't like they gave you a manual in grade school and said 'read this before you go and do something stupid in high school.' Nope. Let's just throw all the youngsters to the wolves and hope they don't die. Don't scoff at my analogy. You have seen packs of high school girls, right?

Boys were hardly better. I mean, stuff all this subtlety shit. Is it any wonder why the lot of us are all confused? One site said I should be all slow and methodical, that didn't work for Nate. Another said to be casual, but not too casual. Another said be friendly, but don't get friend-zoned. Last one said to be all forward and go for the kill. 

Ha-ha-ha. If they couldn't make up their minds, then how were we supposed to?

I supposed most of this stuff was written for girls, or at least all the quizzes I took seemed to be. When the conclusion was 'girlfriend' at the end and not 'boyfriend' it was sort of obvious. At least they were all on my side and telling me to go for it. Romantically I was pretty sure I was on board for it.

I mean, everyone could see it except me before... but now that I did see it I couldn't un-see it. I didn't understand it at the time, but I think I did feel it. Now I just needed him to know that I saw it. Know that I felt it. Know that... I really did get it. Maybe even get to the point where I could let him know that I felt the same... similar... uhm... more than friends? Uhhhh....

Oh well, forget the steps. I was gonna go for it. Really. 

After exams.