Irreplaceable

26

Breakfast the next morning was served by a smiling pudgy woman with glitter still stuck to her forehead. She was really nice, served the remaining party-goers on paper plates and plastic cups, and pointed them to a garbage bag on the way out. It was like an upgraded walk of shame for all the kids at the party. Since no one was stumbling out of there hungover or anything.

It still made me kind of shy to be walking out of there during the daytime with Nate. The smiling face of my mom when I came in the door didn't help either. Of course she beamed happily and did an embarrassing happy dance with me when I told her Nate was officially my boyfriend. I rolled my eyes, but really I was happy.

We talked back and forth on our phones and occasionally on our computers. Every time we went anywhere I insisted on calling it a date. I think it made him happy, because he wouldn't stop smiling when we were together. When we went to the movies. When we went to the coffee shop on Main. When we walked to the store to grab snacks.

I wanted to kiss him. A lot. Like all the time. I think I was addicted. I used to make fun of all those people who did PDA all the time, and now I was one of them. Beth just laughed at us. I thought she might be upset but it seemed like she was actually happy for me. It was weird. Especially when I caught her peeping on us playing videogames together.

"The next best thing to me dating him is me getting to watch you date him." Was all she had insisted. Sisters are gross. Just saying. I kept my door firmly shut after that. Got my dad's permission of course first, but when I told him Lizard was spying on us he agreed reluctantly.

I had to admit I was sort of relieved when we went back to school. We had agreed to drive to and from school together, sit with our friends at lunch but walk together. The guys were not in the slightest bit surprised when I told them we were dating. I think I was more surprised with how low key congratulatory they were about it.

It was sort of anti-climatic for me. Here I was, all happy and grinning and all I got was a 'good for you man.' That's it. I have been going insane for months and that's it. Whatever. My friends were assholes. That's probably all it was. Or I was obvious to them and just didn't realise it at the time. That was probably more like it.

Life was perfect again. So I thought anyways. I had no idea of my impending doom. Maybe that was overly dramatic, but honestly when it happened I really felt my stomach drop out of my body onto the floor. Okay that was overdramatic. I felt awful. Scared. No actually rather terrified at the time. Things were so good and I had the fleeting thought that happiness doesn't last.

We were just hanging out on the weekend with his friends. They were talking about upcoming midterms and one of them, I think it was Luke, mentioned that he had to get an eighty-five on his midterm before his chosen university would send him a conditional offer. He had applied early and spoken to the advisor about getting in.

I told Nathan about my plan to work with Dan over the summer again and then go to the college program with my apprenticeship hours to help me get accepted, since my grades sucked and all. He thought it was a smart idea. But that led to me asking him about his plans for the fall. As soon as he hesitated I knew something was wrong.

His friends knew. I could tell by how quiet everyone got that they knew where he had applied. When he told me, I think I gasped. I mean, who wouldn't when they were told their boyfriend had applied to go to an overseas university, amongst other international ones. This wasn't a long drive; this was a full on plane ride or I'm not gonna see you anytime soon kind of deal.

What was I supposed to say? It wasn't the only university he had applied to, but it was the best. If he got in, then... he really should go. Even if I didn't want him to leave. I mean, it was his future right? If he didn't go then I would be making him miss out. I couldn't ask him not to go, could I? Wouldn't that be the most selfish thing I had ever done?

It was killing me to sit there and smile while my insides were spewed all over the floor. My mind raced like crazy. I wasn't even paying attention to the conversation anymore. Did it mean this whole relationship was for nothing? Was he just going to pack up and leave at the end of the summer... and not look back?

Is the only reason he asked me out because he didn't want to have any regrets? Was this just pity dating for the dumb kid that he had the hots for? I was so confused as a million questions ran around in my head. Half of them I could talk myself out of. The other half were good questions. Things like, 'how will this work?'

Maybe I shouldn't worry about it until we knew something for sure. He hadn't gotten accepted yet, right? I calmed myself down with that thought and tried desperately to salvage the rest of the day. It was hard to focus though. Especially since everyone seemed to be looking at me expectantly. Like I was going to lose my shit or something.

I couldn't do that to Nathan though. I had to act mature about this. Even if I wanted to turn into the Hulk or King Kong and throw him over my shoulders while beating my chest. It wasn't like people were property. Yeah. I couldn't tell him what to do. He was his own man even if he was my man. I needed to be supportive and shit.

I could do that. I could be supportive.