Lavender

Chapter Twenty-Eight

I'm so hot, I'm sweating. I push the duvet off my shoulders and try to kick them off my body, but something heavy is laying on top of them. On top of me. When I open my eyes, I expect so see squares in the ceiling and a fan in the middle of the room, but they aren't there. I blink rapidly to process the strange dark room I'm in. Sunlight shines through the curtain, landing on a messy pile of textbooks and scattered paper on the floor. This isn't my room, it's Holden, I remind myself and calm down before I start freaking out. I try to sit up on the comfortable bed, but I'm weighed down by Holden. His head is lying on my chest, his arms wrapped around my stomach, and our legs and entangled. My legs are bare; I vaguely remember kicking off my shorts, complaining about the heat in my sleep. He must have held onto me without realizing it. My heart warms at the thought. I have to go before he wakes up and kicks me out himself, but I honestly don't want to leave him or this bed. I want to lay here and forget about Wyatt and just go back to sleeping with Holden. But I can't. Wyatt is still my boyfriend, I'm still his girlfriend.

I slowly wriggle myself to sit up against the headboard, his head now laying across my thighs. I resist the urge to push his hair back off his forehead and wait for him to open his beautiful brown eyes, and gently push his shoulders back, moving him onto his back. I stand up, and he rolls onto his stomach and holds onto the pillow I used, breathing deeply. I can't tell if he unconsciously wanted to keep holding me and smell my scent or simply wanted the pillow and normally breathed like any normal human behind, but my stomach still whirls at the former thought. How can I leave now seeing how much of an affect I have on him? We've made so much progress but there's nothing we can do with it until we figure out whether or not we stand a chance together and if I can break the ties I made with a great person for my whole life.

I grab my shorts off the ground and scurry over to the chair with my jacket and shoes. Every bone in me wants to work together and bring me back to the bed where Holden is holding onto my pillow for dear life, but I can't. I am with Wyatt and I have hurt him so much already. It isn't fair to continue hurting him. If he slept with another girl I wouldn't like it. A part of me wishes he already has and is lying to me, too. Knowing he's been cheating as well would make things easier. It would mean we're both unfaithful and would have to end our relationship, being the easy way out without truly hurting each other. We could have fallen out of love together. But I know Wyatt too well to know he is a trustworthy person and wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Which is why I hate myself a little more any time like this happens. Every secret glance, every kiss, every laugh—everything I do with Holden feels like cheating even when hands and mouths aren't involved.

I put on my cotton shorts and tie the string tight. After tying on my shoes and pulling on my jacket, I dump his wrinkled shirt and jeans in his hamper. I walk over to the door and curve my hand around the door knob, but I can't just walk out. Not yet. I have to see him in this vulnerable state before he re-fortifies his walls.

I look back to Holden sleeping soundly. His tousled hair is sprawled against his pillow, and his arms are loosely wrapped around my pillow. He looks so tranquil and innocent. A beautiful storm taking a nap before its reckoning. I stare for a good minute before leaving and getting out of harm's way.

***

All five of my classes run by smoothly, though Holden not showing up for Literature throws me off for a while. I can't lie and say I didn't expect him to skip classes and sleep off his hangover. I hope he gets enough rest and feels better tomorrow. He probably won't even come to class tomorrow. I already miss him even though we spent the night together.

Anyways, now I am trying to get some writing done before Wyatt comes. Earlier I asked him if he could take me to the beach and write, where I usually find inspiration. Sometimes I just need a change of scenery to get the creative juice flowing. After an hour of staring at a blank screen, I put my laptop in its carrier and tie my hair into a ponytail and walk to the student parking lot. I sit on one of the wooden benches in front of the parking spaces and text him.