Lavender

Chapter Forty-Four

I sit still on my bed, frozen by Holden's confession for what feels like hours. My mind tries desperately to register his genuine words, the way he looked like he might cry as he said them. I'd never seen him glow like that before. I had a feeling he had deeper feelings for me, but I never thought he'd actually voice them to me. But something in him has changed recently. After we had sex, I noticed a new gleam in his eyes, the brightness of his deeper dimpled smile. He told me he thinks I changed for the worse because of him which isn't true. If anything, he's the one who changed and for the better. I used to think he brings out the worse in me, but he brings out the absolute best in me, as I do for him.

I love you, Lavender. Holden's words from a few minutes ago play in my head like a catchy song I can't stop thinking of as I pack my bag. How long has he known he's loved me? Did he figure it out while I was at my parents? Or did he know from a long time ago? I want to know the exact moment he figured it out to see if it matches the moment I knew I was in love with him? I knew I was in love with him that night I drove him home after picking him up from the bar, and he held me in his sleep and kept murmuring my name in his deep sleep. As if he was dreaming of me. I dreamt of him that night; dreamt of a world where we could be together without the overwhelming cloud of guilt hanging over my head. I tried to push the feeling way down, to pretend it didn't exist, but now I don't have to ignore my feelings for him.

I love—no. I am in love with Holden Walker. Yet I couldn't snap out of my trance and tell him how I felt. I was shocked. I didn't expect him to say all of those things to me. How could he profess his love for me three days after he accused me of getting back together with my ex-boyfriend? He is the moodiest person I have ever known, and yet, I am desperately in love with him.

Holden greets me with a kind smile as I climb into his car five minutes later. "Bags all packed?" he asks.

He is acting like a different person, I'm sort of worried he's going to turn out to be a psycho killer or something. But then his smile drops, taking on a darker on, and he reaches over to grip my thigh. "Ready to go or what?"

"Um... yeah... yes. I'm ready to go." I smile, but it's too wide and weird. Why am I acting so strange? And why haven't I told him I'm in love with him yet? We're both waiting for me to say it, I can see it in his eyes searching mine. But I'm not ready to voice those five right now. I know I will soon, just not in his parked car with people walking all around us.

"Okay, then. Let's go." He grips my thigh one more time, then puts both of his hands on the steering wheel. I frown, disappointed he took his hand off me. But when he successfully exits the parking lot without accidentally running over anyone, he puts his hand back on my thigh and a smile returns on my lips. He doesn't let go for the short drive to his house, which is unsafe in every sense, but his strong hold gives me goosebumps.

The first thing I notice when we enter Holden's bedroom is the new sheets on his gigantic bed. In place of his usual blue duvet is a green one that brings a blush to my cheeks and a laugh out of him.

"What did you do with the old sheets?" I shyly ask him.

"Added them to my shrine of you in my closet," he jokes and puts my backpack full of clothes on his study desk.

"Aw, you have a shrine, too?" I pretend to swoon and place a hand over my heart.

He goes along with it. "Yeah—I bet mine is better than yours."

"Doubt it."

"Want to bet?"

I can't take it anymore; I burst into a fit of laughter. "Why are we like this?"