Lavender

Chapter Thirty-Five

When my phone alarm for school rings the next morning, I turn my phone off and stare at the ceiling. I'm thinking of not going to classes today, which is something I've never contemplated. Well, besides those times Holden got under my skin and I pondered not going to my last class. But I don't want to go to all of my classes today. My cheeks are sticky from last night's tears and I don't have the heart to go out and act as if though my heart didn't take a beating the night before. I made acquaintances in each class, so I can get notes from them and lie to my professors about being sick today. I hate lying and I'm the worst at it, but hopefully they'll take my hard work and perfect attendance into consideration and believe I wouldn't dare miss a day because I became Little Miss Heartbreaker.

Before I think of last night's events, I climb out of bed, grab my toiletries and head to the bathroom. I let the hot water roll off my tense body, loosening my tight muscles and successfully keep my thoughts away from last night. But I have no such luck when I return to my dorm room. They are all I can think about as I get dressed in gray sweats and an old high school T-shirt. I look out the window and notice the gray sky and thick clouds. Is it going to rain? It rarely ever does.

My heart is still tender, still aching when I remember everything that happened. I'd forgotten Wyatt and I were going out last night, but if I had known, would last night have been the time I finally told him about Holden and me? Would I have pushed Holden away right before the door open and lie about him and I briefly hanging out, or finally told the truth? I don't know, and that's scary because I'm not sure if I was going to continue hurting him behind his back or be a decent human being and confess. I was so sure I could keep the truth hidden from him to save him somehow. As if not knowing his girlfriend ruthlessly cheated on him would make everything okay. Like I wouldn't feel the pang of guilt every time we held hands or even kissed.

I should have just locked my door the second I got into the room and waited for Wyatt. He would scare Holden off, and we would have gone off to the boardwalk and ride the Ferris wheel and he would have rambled on about his team winning their first game, and I would have sat us down on the pier and broken down into apologetic tears as I confessed about Holden. Sure, he would have still been angry with me, but at least he wouldn't have gotten into a fight and look the guy I cheated on him with in the eyes. But now... now I don't know if he will ever forgive me. He doesn't have to. He has every right to hate me for the rest of his life, which literally pains me to think, but he's entitled to how he goes about this. He can forgive me and trust me again, or never speak to me again. Even though I recall the flush of anger swelling in his dark green eyes and the tears streaming down his bloody face, I turn on and check my phone for a text or call. Nothing.

But there is something from Holden.

I turn my phone off again. I can't talk to him, not right now. Not after last night. I am not blaming him for what went down, well, not for everything at least. He truly didn't think Wyatt would show up. Would he have done the same thing; kiss me if he knew he was on his way to the room? No. I don't think so. Even though he did try to uncover our little affair that night at the diner and he talks about not liking Wyatt, I don't believe he would do something as cruel as showing off our relationship. He probably texted me an apology, and I appreciate it; it's the most compassionate I've ever seen him, but I need space to just think right now.

Where do I go from here? Do I plead with Wyatt to take me back? I love him, I do, but maybe we shouldn't be a couple, and not just because he knows how I betrayed him, but because I don't have the same feelings for him that I do with Holden. I hate myself for saying it, but I want to be with Holden. Yes, after all we have been through and done, I want him. I think I always have. I'm also pretty sure it's the reason why I rarely stopped his advances. Why I always thought about him. And rarely thought of how wrong our relationship was. He clouds my thoughts and thrills me. But he doesn't date. What if, after the aftermath of last night, he doesn't want me? And I'm destined to be with Wyatt, the perfect guy for me on paper? The thought brings tears to my eyes and I hold back a sob. Even though I shouldn't, I want Holden more than I have ever wanted anything, ever.

"Are you crying again?" I hear Cammie grumble in her sleepy morning voice. I wipe my tears away and look at her; she's sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She stayed up all night with me, hugging me as I cried into her until we both fell asleep. I've never been more grateful.

"No," I lie, and she raises an eyebrow. I chuckle and wipe away more tears. "Okay, maybe a little. But I am fine, I swear."

She doesn't seem convinced but heaves a sigh and stands up. "Aren't you going to class? You're always gone when I wake up. Is it that time of the month?"

"Um, no... that ended a while ago." I flush. "And I'm not going to my classes today."

She nods and bites her lip, visibly holding herself back from asking the obvious: am I still distraught over losing my best friend/ boyfriend? I have the answer for her: yes; from now until he forgives me, which is possibly never. But she doesn't ask, and I don't answer.

"Do you want to go shopping or something?" she asks.

"You would miss classes just to go shopping with me?" I don't know why I sound so surprised considering how tightly she held me in her arms last night.

She laughs. "Duh. I don't feel like sitting in class anyway."

"But the quizzes—"

She walks over to me and puts a finger on my lips, brows raised. "Can wait until Monday. If you don't want to shop, we can just go out to eat. But Daphne can't come; she's visiting her parents for the weekend."

"Okay, I'll get dressed." I smile. I watch her give me two thumbs up before leaving the room with her toiletries. An odd amount of excitement surges through me as I get dressed in jeans and a pale pink blouse. I haven't skipped classes a day in my life and now I am going shopping and having lunch with my college roommate. I feel as though I have changed drastically in the past two, almost three months, but I'm more or less the same Lavender who spent all of her time reading and writing and listening to music. Now I'm Lavender who cheats on her boyfriend and listens to rock music while reading. Two different girls with a few similar threads running throughout.

I turn on my phone as I unplug it from the charger, and it buzzes in my palm. My heart skips a beat, my mind immediately thinking either Holden or Wyatt texted me, but my heart deflates at the Facebook notification. My mom just posted a photo of her painting the living room wall a sickly bright yellow. I smile with a roll of my eyes as I comment a heart, despite feeling nauseated by the color. As I sit down and wait for Cammie to come out, I wonder to myself: who was I more excited to hear from, Wyatt or Holden? I don't know the answer and that alone scares both the old and new me.