Lavender

Chapter Thirty-Eight

"Um, do you have anything I can wear to bed?" I ask him, blushing.

"Sure." He grabs his hoodie from the ground and tosses it at me. I barely catch it in time before it can fall on the ground. I stare at the hoodie in my hands and try to imagine myself wearing it; he's massive in size compared to me, but what if it doesn't cover my thighs? I'm not sure why I'm suddenly so self-conscious after what we've done, but we're in a fragile state and I don't know if I should be showing off my body just yet.

"Do you have any shorts?" I ask as he pulls the navy comforter back and falls onto the bed.

"Nope. They're all in the wash. It's either that or you'll be irritated the whole night. Might not even get any sleep tonight." He says it in a tone that obviously wants to persuade me into only wearing the hoodie. He would love that, and, honestly, so would I.

I eye the thick material for a moment before deciding him seeing my legs won't set the world on fire. Still, he is ever the gentleman and cover his eyes as I tug at the hem of my blouse. I blow him a kiss even though he can't see me and groan at how idiotic that was, relieved he didn't see that strange move.

"Everything okay out there?" He sing-songs.

"Yes, everything is okay," I reply and pull my blouse over my head. I quickly tug on the hoodie that stops at my mid-thigh. That's good enough. I remove my pants and shoes and neatly fold everything before placing them on the chair in the corner of the room. I walk over to the bed and kneel on it.

Feeling the slight dip in the bed, Holden cautiously asks, "Can I open my eyes now, even though I've seen all of you already?"

I giggle and cover my mouth, quietly nodding before I remember he can't see me.

He lowers his hands and eyes my outfit. "You look as cute as I'd expect."

I giggle again, but this time I don't cover it up. "Thank you. You look..." My eyes wander down his tatted and toned stomach, stopping just before looking at his boxers. "Uncovered," I say, and he laughs.

"When did you get this?" I ask and touch the labyrinth inked into his skin before I can stop myself. His skin is soft, and his hand shoots out and clamps around my wrist. At first, I think he is going to yank my hand away and scold me for touching him, but then he slowly uses my finger to trace inside the intricate maze. He watches me out of the corner of his eye as I try to find my way to the unknown prize in the middle of the puzzle.

"I got it the week after my dad married his wife." His tone is neutral, but his expression is dark and angry.

I swallow and look at the long, faded scar on his right cheek. "And that?"

He pauses and intertwines our fingers together. "The night my father switched to tequila from his usual whiskey."

I stop tracing his skin and watch his expression become heated. "I'm sorry... was he always abusive?" But when I ask him, he grips my hand and I divert the topic of conversation quickly before he can lose his temper. "What about this tattoo? What's the story about it?" I point to a random tattoo of a tiny bird on his forearm.

His lips twitch into a relieved smile. "There's no story; I was just high, and my friend Malcolm dared me to get it."

"Well, he's very cute." I smile.

"It's a she," he corrects me and smiles back.

I point out another tattoo, and then another, and another until he's identified nearly every tattoo. He talks about getting even more. When I ask him how much he's planning on getting, he says he doesn't want any skin left. I gasp at his outrageous plan and laugh when he jokes about engraving my name over his heart.

"I'm serious, it will go right here. You can pick out the font and everything." He pats the soft skin above his heart. I laugh and curl deeper into his side. Somehow, we found each other in each other's arms, and I don't want to move. I glide my fingertips over his chest and he sucks in a deep breath. Holden reaches out to put his hand on my hip, and it's my turn to catch my breath. I stare at the base of his throat because I am too chicken to look into his eyes. He easily notices my reluctance and moves his hand to my chin and tilts my head back, forcing me to look into his eyes.

"I'm sorry," I blurt out.

"Sorry for what?" His eyebrows scrunch up.

I inhale and close my eyes. "For leading you on this whole time. I shouldn't have made you think there was a chance for us this whole time..." When I say this, his hand on my hip tightens and I open my eyes to find hurt flashing across his now stony expression. "No, I don't mean like that. I'm... um... I am sorry for making you think that without admitting I wanted the same thing. When you first kissed me, I thought it was just a game because of the dare at the party, but then we kissed the second time, and then again after that, and each one opened myself up more and more. I thought we were completely incompatible, but, Holden, sometimes I swear you are the only person that really knows me. If you still want me... I want you right back." My voice goes soft and my heart slows down in anticipation.

His blazing eyes stare into mine and his knuckles against my cheek. "I am sorry for messing up your relationship with Wyatt, but then again I'm not. I know I am cruel for saying that, but I'm known to also be selfish. Especially when I say that I wanted you for myself the moment I laid eyes on you. I didn't just fall in love with you right away. This isn't a fucking rom-com, but I knew you'd be important to me. Somehow, I just fucking knew you'd mean fucking everything to me. I admit: I did think you were a total fucking nerd with your crazy need to be early for class and obsessive note taking, but after I actually got to know you... Lavender, I never knew someone could feel so many things for one single person. And I feel it all for you." He pauses, and his eyes run wild over my face. His hands reach up to cup my tear-stained cheeks. "I want you more than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life," he whispers.

I am stunned by his words. I feel more for this one boy than I ever have for anyone else, it almost hurts me, but the pain is blissful. My stomach flutters and I press my forehead to his. His warm lips find mine before I can even move. The kiss isn't gentle whatsoever; it's desperate and hungry and sends sparks of fire down to my toes. One of his hands move to grip the hem of my shirt. I nod without him even asking, and I pull away for a second, allowing him to yank the hoodie over my head, leaving me in my plain white underwear. His eyes move from my chest to my eyes and I swear I can ask him if this is moving too fast, if we should stop now. But I answer him with a crushing kiss so forceful, my bones vibrate, and he breathes into my mouth. This should feel wrong, too rushed, but this feels too damn late.

"Are you sure?" The question finally comes out of his mouth as he kisses down my jawline. My eyes are rolled in the back of my head and I keep squirming underneath his lean body. The question takes a minute to process in my brain.

"Y-yes," I stutter and watch a smile grow on his face.