Lavender

Chapter Thirty-One

My heart is pounding against my chest and my skin feels like it's going to melt off my bones. I'm too hot and I need to get away. Now. I stand up.

"Where are you going?" Cammie asks.

"I'm going back to the dorm; I feel pretty exhausted from today. But I'll see you guys later. Have fun, okay?" I say and give them an assuring smile before walking away before any of them can protest.

What is wrong with Holden? He only brought Sophia with him in hopes of spiting me. I know it sounds farfetched, but he must have thought I was coming to the event and wanted to piss me off, to show that he has an endless list of girls he could be with instead of investing actual feelings with me. To be fair, he's admitted to wanting me, but to what extent? Does he want to be friends with benefits? He only wants the benefits but none of the hardships and commitment of an actual relationship. And I will not break my best friend's heart because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He won't have me, I refuse it.

I walk through the parking lot and walk briskly. All I want is to lay down and go to sleep. Thinking about Holden is already making the headache from earlier today return, worse than before. I spot Holden's car underneath one of the lampposts and then hear another set of feet a couple feet behind me. Paranoid it's a drunk frat guy looking to take advantage of unaware girls, I look over my shoulder... only to find Holden following me.

"What are you doing?" I ask him.

"I want to talk to you," he says, but I ignore him and look forward, quickening my steps. He curses under his breath and he takes long strides to catch up and stand directly in front of me.

I roll my eyes, exhausted. "What do you want, Holden?"

He stares at me before he opens his mouth and closes it again. "Are you jealous I'm with Sophia?" he asks, and it's so ridiculous that I laugh out loud. But, noticing he isn't even smiling, I stop, and he continues in the same serious tone: "Because it isn't really fair of you to be upset if I am with her. Say what you want about her, but she and I have history."

"Yeah... sexual history," I mumble.

"Yeah, exactly. You shouldn't look this annoyed about her and me, or me and any other girl because you rejected me. Twice, I believe. I do want to be with you, but you keep turning me down for your boring-ass boyfriend. That's fine or whatever, but don't get angry because I'm with someone else."

"Wyatt is not boring. He is talented and kind and handsome, and the best boyfriend ever—"

"He is the only boyfriend you've ever had," he points out.

"Yeah—but that doesn't make him any less of a great one. He is what I've always wanted and deserve. You can't be who I need you to be and I won't force you to change for me. No one should have to change to be with someone. I can't be with you for too many reasons, there aren't enough minutes in the day to explain."

"Then name the first one." He folds his arms across his chest.

"I..." I close my mouth and close my eyes. I can't talk about this right now, in the student parking lot where anyone can hear me rant about my feelings. "I don't think this is the appropriate time to talk about this."

"Just say whatever you have to say, I know it's going to be bullshit anyway," he scoffs, and it takes everything in me not to hit him.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me," he says and takes a step closer. "You are such a fucking coward. We both know you want me, but you keep going back to that boyfriend of yours because he's familiar to you. He's the safe choice. But me... I am the only person who knows the real you."