Underground

73

Death.
Some people can accept death as fate and the cycle of the life given to them. Others do whatever they can to live out their final days or even to cheat death. An Assassin must live knowing that any moment could be their last. That was our way. I was beginning to understand that but then...I have to question the gods. If it was our fate as the ones who survived the trials to become the Assassin then why take Lexi away so soon. What was the lesson there? Who was it for?
"Justine."
I didn't look at him. I stared blankly at my reflection. I knew she was going to die. There was nothing I could do to change it. He could have changed it. He could have prevented this. And he didn't. I heard a brief growl before I felt him kneel next to me. I slowly turned and looked at my man, my mate and all I could feel was disgust, anger and hurt. I could still see Lena pull him in to kiss her. And he let her. "Stop," he said sternly. "I moved."
"It shouldn't have happened," I said quietly. "You should have been with me, Joel. You should have listened to me."

He opened his mouth but I looked away. Why didn't he listen to me? "I made a choice based on what could happen, Justine. If Lena died, Gary would turn swords on my family. On you," he pushed. "Can you honestly say that if it was you in place of Lexi that I would have picked Lena?"

"I don't know."
He snarled at me.
"I thought I could honestly say that you would never make a choice without consulting me but you did anyway," I continued standing up. I started walking towards my bathroom with Joel firmly on my heels. He made a choice without his Airen, his mate. There was no possible reasoning I could think of that could excuse the action. "I couldn't, Justine! You would have been ruled by your emotions!" He shouted at me. "If I included you in that choice you would have chosen Lexi regardless of the fact that Lena would die."

"Maybe she NEEDS to!" I shouted back. The rage I felt started to bubble to the surface. If what he was doing was to protect me and the family he should have consulted me so we could have had a plan that got both of them out. "Lexi died protecting me! She took a bullet for me! I feel like when it comes to Lena...I don't know you, Joel."

"No."

"I'm supposed to come before her and I didn't. Neither did Lexi," I said in a softer voice. Joel's expression turned from anger to fear. Fear of what? What could this powerful and strong man be afraid of? Joel wasn't ready for me. He wasn't ready for a mate. Not as long as he rushes to the side of the woman who broke him for centuries. For the first time in days I looked Joel in his eyes and felt his fear in the pit of my stomach. I saw the pleading in his eyes to not say what I was feeling to say. "I...Justine I'm still new to this. I've fucked up in a way I can't fix. I can't go back," he took two long strides to stand in front of me. "I can only ask for forgiveness and for you to allow me to make it right."

"You want to make this right?"

"More than anything, Sweetness."

Do it. "Then let me go," I whispered. I watched the color drain from Joel's face and felt my heart break. A life without Joel isn't what I wanted but I wasn't about to share this man either. Either he is mine or he isn't. Joel ran his hands through his hair frantically, looking around the room for something. A life line? Something to convince me to-?
"I can't," he said in the smallest voice. "I can't just let you walk away, Justine, you know that."
"I need you to let me go stay with Duchess," I recovered. "Away from you for a while."
Joel paused and looked at me. What he was feeling now is how I felt for months of seeing Lena attach herself to him. He always gave me reassurance but now I will always have a reminder of when he chose her first. I can't stand to be near him right now. But you can't be away from him either. Staying with Duchess gives him hope. Maybe he will really work for us. "You are going to stay with my aunt?"
I nodded.
"Away from me?"
I nodded again. "Yes. I need to be away from you," I said. "You have to make a choice, Joel and I feel having me in arms distance makes you too comfortable. You say you don't want her but you aren't cutting her out of your life either. She's not an Assassin. She is the daughter of a man who holds a seat on the council and shouldn't have apart of our world."