I'm Here to Fix You - Broken Souls Series #2

I'm a murderer

Heads up: I wrote this on an empty stomach, and that is never a good idea...then again, lately I'm in a crappy author mood so...I don't know, you decide 

BOOK 4

CHAPTER 6 - I'M A MURDERER

A WHILE AGO

"It was true, you know. What you said." Jake claimed casually.

I frowned, turning to him. "I say many things." I chuckled, switching channels on TV without looking. This was a particularly heavy day for us, some nonsensical show can only do us some good. Anything not to use our overworked brains. Although, I know myself, I'll probably switch again after 20 seconds. My brain physically suffers in the presence of ignorance.

"I'm a murderer." Jake claimed, dead serious.

I actually gasped, which I never do. "What?"

"Remember that time, at the hospital?" He said, nonchalantly playing with my hand while cuddling me. "You called me a-"

"Please, don't say that word again." I cut him off, feeling ashamed of myself. I've said many stupid and rash things in my life, but that one is the one that makes me feel the worst. I've never really felt ashamed of myself except for that time. "It was a terrible thing to say, and I wish I could take it back."

"But you were right."

"Jake ..."

"No, listen to me," he sat up, letting go of me. Somehow that sounded way more literal than it should have. "You know what I did."

"Jake ..." I tried, knowing where was his train of thought headed.

"I killed her, Silvia. I did." Jake leaned back against the sofa, closing his eyes, covering his face with his hands. I bet it was not to let me see the impending tears he was about to shed. Told you it was a heavy day. We dug up much more than we were ready for. I should have known he lied when he said he was okay. "And I probably pushed Mike into it, too. I mean, what kind of brother wouldn't see the odds?"

"You were a child, you could have done nothing." I reminded him. He was 9, for God's sakes. He was 9 when his brother jumped out of a window, what could Jake have done to prevent that from happening?

"I was his only friend. His only hope. And look to what it got him ..."

"You were just a kid!" I protested, taking his hands off his face. He was crying, oh, he was, but silently and shamefully, as he always does. It's as if he doesn't even deem himself worthy of tears. It's as if, no, it's exactly that: Jake sees his own tears as crocodile ones. To him, the tears he sheds are not sense of guilt, but the result of a dirty conscience that does not deserve redemption.

"You say that because you love me." Jake claimed, wiping away the drops that had stained his face. "What you feel for me blinds you, Silvia, you know that."

"Listen to me," I grabbed his hands, tired of seeing him always so down the gutter. Why does he keep on blaming himself? There was nothing, nothing he could have done! "It is not, never has been your fault, Jake."

"Silvia ..."

"It's true." I went to straddle him, just so I could look straight into his eyes without him looking away. I cupped his cheeks, and forced him to keep eye contact. "I'm gonna lay down some truths for you here, and when I'm done, I want you to take a deep breath, and let it all go. Or at least try to. It's not going to be easy, but we can do it."

"You don't know what-"

"You have no blame in what happened." I stated. "Actually, you were not even a player in the whole thing." I stated. "Michael had a problem, and it had nothing to do with you."