Phan Oneshots

Six: I Found

A/N: This is a songfic inspired by the song I found by Amber Run. It's also really short so I'm sorry for that. This is an angst fic as well.
Triggers: Drinking and Depression

I'll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind

I can't believe what I just did. I just broke up with the best thing that's ever happened to me. I want to protect him. I know that the longer he spends with me the more he will be ripped apart. I tend to do that to people. I feel, empty. The events of last Friday play back in my head. His broken expression, his pleads, and him repeatedly asking what he did wrong. When in reality, he did nothing wrong. I did. I was scared. I didn't want to destroy the only good thing I had. So I pushed him away. I inevitably only caused more damage. Now I am nothing and I've ruined the greatest thing I've ever had.

And I'll use you as a focal point
So I don't lose sight of what I want
And I've moved further than I thought I could
But I missed you more than I thought I would

It's only been two days. Two painful, empty days. I see him across the room. He is chatting happily with his friends. It's as if I never existed. I should be happy. It's exactly what I wanted. So why do I feel so... empty? I can't take watching him any longer. I run out of the room and straight to the bathroom. I slide down the door and cry harder than I ever have before. The sobs rack my body and leave me a huddled trembling mass on the floor. I have no more tears left. All I can do is wait for the pain to subside.

And I'll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind

Regret.

That's all I can feel. I'm immune to pain. I let the vodka wash all the sorrow down my throat. I am a shell of a human. All the things that make me live are sucked out and replaced with the regret. I need Phil. Only he can make me feel better. But, I know I cannot have him. He's moved on and I have to stop being such a wuss and do the same. I take another swig of vodka and try to forget.

And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be
Right in front of me
Talk some sense to me
And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be
Right in front of me
Talk some sense to me

It's been a week. Phil is everywhere I turn. Everything reminds me of him. His hoodie he gave me when I got cold, his shirt leftover from a night long forgotten, the stuffed animal he gave me for christmas. One night, I completely snapped. I screamed so loud it vibrated throughout my entire body. I tore down my MCR poster and toss it across the room. I throw my pillow down and stomp on it until I'm left panting and sobbing on the bed. I fall into a restless and fitful sleep.

And I'll use you as a makeshift gauge
Of how much to give and how much to take
I'll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind

I am numb. I begin to take the happiness of others. I've become everything I feared. A vortex of loneliness, sorrow, and regret. If I get too close to someone they become trapped in the spiral and there's nothing I can do to save them. I push everyone away.

I go to Starbucks, desperate for a distraction. I order a chai latte and sit down in a booth near the window. I scan the room. To my surprise, Phil is sitting in the booth opposite me, staring directly into my eyes. He wears the same shocked expression I do. It's too much. Staring into his multicolored eyes only brings me back to that horrible night 8 days ago. I'll never forget how broken he looked. I run to the bathroom just in time before I collapse in a fit of sobs on the floor.

And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be
Right in front of me
Talk some sense to me

I hear the door open. I don't look up. I feel the weight of someone sitting beside me. I am pressed against the wall with my head buried in my knees. The person smells of haribo, and flowers.

"Dan." They say. The voice is so familiar it doesn't even take me a second to realize who it is. I'm afraid to look up.

"Dan." Phil repeats. I reluctantly look up to see his beautiful blue, green, yellow eyes. He is staring gently at me. I see his arms open up to offer a hug. I hesitate a second before rushing into his arms. I sob hard into his shoulder. Here, wrapped in his embrace is the first place I've felt safe since we broke up. I begin to ramble an apology.

"Phil I'm so sorry I didn't mean to hurt you I was just scared and I didn't want to hurt you but fuck this week has been so hard without you I don't know why I did it I regret every second I love you so fucking mu..." Phil cuts me off with a deep kiss. I kiss back. I've missed the sensation of his lips on mine, the way it lights a fire in me. He pulls away and I'm grinning like an idiot. If there is one word to describe this moment it would be perfect.

I found my way back home. Back to Phil.