Stay With Me (Come Back to Me #2)

Chapter 40

Justin

The hallway of a hotel has never seemed so lonely before.

As soon as I hang up the phone, I look around. I'm alone, phone in hand and leaning against the wall. Tears are streaking my cheeks. I wish Addie was with me. I could really use the support. But I also don't want to ruin her fun. She's got a life outside of our relationship and I can't take that away from her.

I'm starting to think I shouldn't have told her – I could tell she was crying on the phone. I hate that I made her cry. I hate that I'm the reason she's upset. Addie doesn't deserve to shed tears over me and be upset; to have something disrupt her life and ruin evenings like this one.

I shake my head. Here I go again. I'm trying to think of ways to push her away. Having someone care...it's foreign to me. All I need to do is adapt to it. Enjoy it and stop being a disaster of contradictions.

She chose to stay with me. She told me she loves me. It's not like I forced her to do this.

Wiping away the tears, I slide to the carpet of the hallway, trying to gain control of my breathing. The hotel we're staying at is a couple of blocks away from BC Children's Hospital and it's one of the nicer ones we've stayed in. Nice aspect aside, I still hate it. Just once, I want to come down to Vancouver to explore and have nothing to do with that wretched hospital. I know it does good things for kids, performs miracles, but I'm still not a fan.

I let my head fall to the side so my cheek is resting against my shoulder. I'm exhausted from today's appointment. It hurts. It hurts to think that there's the slightest possibility that I could have gotten my licence at sixteen or been employed by now. I could have acted like a teenager – gone to parties, had the satisfaction of breaking the law by having a drink, not be one step behind everyone else. I can't believe the surgeon and the rest of the team didn't get everything out on their first try; they failed to do their jobs and made me pay the price for it.

All the things I've missed out on...

All the disappointment that's broken my heart over and over again...

All the time that's been wasted...

I can't believe this is happening again.

I close my eyes and exhale, trying to calm myself and prevent memories from the previous surgery from coming up and clouding my vision. The only good thing about this is that I know what to expect during recovery. I know it's going to be brutal and painful and take a long time for the bones to fuse together again.

What I'm not looking forward to is the tension and anticipation that always build up pre-surgery. I wish they wouldn't have told me the date until about a week before. Now, with all this extra time I have on my hands, I'm going to keep counting down the days, hours, and minutes to February twenty-eighth. Just over a month to go until I have to come back down here.

I should be prepared. This should be easier for me. But honestly? It's harder. I'm older now; I understand things better than I did back then.

Damn, I wish I didn't have to do this again.

But Addie is right. At least there's a reason. At least I have a chance. All I can do is hope that this time, things go my way. I want a life. I want a life where I have my own independence and can fend for myself. I want to make choices and drive my brother to his indoor soccer games.

I take another deep breath as more tears streak my face. I don't want to do this. I'm done with fighting.

But maybe, just maybe, this will be the last time.

I've been broken and bruised, scattered into a million pieces like the stars in the night sky. People have let me down and betrayed me. I've had the floor ripped from under my feet. I've tripped and stumbled and lost the perfect life anyone would have asked for. There have been times where I've wanted to give up and end all this for good.

But after everything – the situation with my father, losing friends and family members, being diagnosed, losing myself – I've learned that you have three choices when bad things happen.

You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.

And there must be some kind of strength in me. If there wasn't, I wouldn't have made it this far; I wouldn't have moved to West Kelowna with my amazing mom and brother, found another home that, although it's not exactly like our old one, represents something real, and I wouldn't have met Addie.

I sit up straight again, inhaling deeply and opening my eyes.

I can do this.

Even if I don't want to, I can do this.

Something's gotta give.