Recovering

Clean

(3 months later)

"3 months clean!" My therapist said, proudly.

"Yep. No cutting, drinking, or doing drugs." I said, unenthusiastically. She looked at me confused.

"Why aren't you smiling?" She asked and I shrugged.

"I don't know. It's just that last time I was clean for a couple months, I had a breakdown and cut myself again. I just hope that it won't happen again." I said, disappointed in myself about earlier this year.

"Hey, don't worry. You'll be fine. Just think positively."

"Okay." I said, biting my lip nervously.

"Well we both know what makes you happy."

"We do?" I questioned.

"Sabrina. You talk about her all the time and your eyes always light up when she's brought into the conversation." She said, gesturing to my eyes right now with a knowing smile. "Do you have a crush on her?"

"Pfft! No." I lied, tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear. "We're just friends."

"Sure you are." She teased.

I put my hands up. "Okay. We used to date in the past but we didn't work out right. There was just too much going on and it got overwhelming for her. To be honest, the relationship scared both of us."

"Interesting." She said, writing it down.

"Why do you have to write about my love life?" I asked.

"Don't worry. It's staying just between us. Now, as you were saying?" She asked.

"What scared you about it?" She asked.

"We got close, which is I guess how relationships work. I loved her and she loved me. We told each other everything and she always helped me and cared about me when it seemed like nobody did." I said, remembering all the good times with her before things got to be hard.

I sighed and continued. "The first time we broke it off when I got back from New York, was because she needed to figure something out. We got back together when I got back from tour. We broke off again not even 24 hours later because she wasn't ready. It was only supposed to be a month, but things started happening and she got with Joey and I started to get in new relationships that didn't work out well. You know the rest." I finished.

"Wow."

"And even after everything that's happened, I still want her back because-" "You love her." She interrupted with a smile.

"I do. I really do. I even still wear that promise ring she gave me." I said, showing her the silver ring on my finger.

"Did you tell her that you want her back?"

"No." I said. "I want to wait until I'm better to tell her how I feel."

"You don't feel better?" She asked.

"Well I do, but I'm not sure. What do you think?" I asked. "Do you think I'm better?"

"I think that you are different from the first time I first met you. You seem happier."

"I am happier." I said.

"And your self esteem has seemed to go up."

"It has gone up." I replied.

"And you don't hurt yourself anymore. You don't have nightmares as often either. I can't determine if you're ready or not though. Only you know that." She said.