Loving a wolf

Chapter 7

(Y/n) POV
After the funeral we went back to the van. We all sat in silence. Casey drove while April just stayed in the passenger seat. I put in my earbuds and listened to music all the way back the lair.
I felt like everything was my fault. Donnie checked on everyone to make sure none of us were badly injured. I didn't let Donnie look at me because I don't care if I bleed at this point.
I felt eyes on me. I looked up and saw everyone death glaring me. Raph was in his room with the door shut. Mikey went to his room and shut the door. Leo went to the dojo and meditated. Tiffany, Jackie and Kim went to go to a party to get their mind off things.
It was just me, April, Casey and Karai. They had so much venom in their eyes. April got up and walked to me and put her head near my ears. " if it wasn't for you splinter would still be alive" I looked down knowing she was right. Casey death glared me and walked out with April not far away. Karai punched me in the stomach causing me to cough and lose air.
Karai walked out and it was just me. All the guys were in their rooms so I went to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I couldn't hold it back anymore.
I looked at my bandages arm as tears fell silently. I took the wrappings off and stared. I walked to the bathroom and shut the door and locked it. I sat in the tub with my knees to my chest.
   There isn't much room for new scars. I grabbed a small blade I had on me and set it to my right arm.
(Play song now)
Tears fell down as I sang:
Little girl terrified
She'd leave her room if only bruises would heal
A home is no place to hide
Her heart is breaking from the pain that she feels

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks,
She hides, and tries to pray
She wonders why,
Does anyone ever hear her when she cries?

Today she's turning sixteen
Everyone's singing, but she can't seem to smile
They never get past arm's length
How could they act like everything is alright?

Pulling down her long sleeves
To cover all the memories the scars leave
She says, "Maybe making me bleed
Will be the answer that could wash the slate clean."

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks,
She hides, and tries to pray
She wonders why,
Does anyone ever hear her when she cries?

This is the dark before the dawn
The storm before the peace
Don't be afraid
The seasons change
And God is watching over you
He hears you

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks,
She hides, and tries to pray
She'll be just fine,
'Cause I know He hears her when she cries

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks,
She hides, and tries to pray
She'll be just fine,
'Cause I know He hears her when she cries
She'll be just fine,
'Cause I know He hears her when she cries
I felt the blood cover my arm. I hate it that I'm at the point where I can't feel pain. The only pain I feel is when the blade touches my skin. I cried more and more.
I turned the sink faucet on and let the cold water wash over the open wounds. I grab some gauze from under the sink and wrapped both my arms. I cleaned the blade and changed my clothes.

I heard a knocking on the bathroom door. I opened the door after knowing the sink was clean. It was Mikey. His bright orange mask has turned dark from tears and his eyes were bloodshot.
He hugged me so hard I couldn't breathe. He dragged me to his room and we sat on his bed. " I just got a call from Tiffany .... something bad happened" my eyes went wide and I hugged him closer. " her and the others were attacked and it happened so fast..... Jackie and Kim are dead..." tears rolled down my eyes.
He hugged me closer and I just broke. I cried like I never cried before. It's been years since I broke like this. The guys ran to Mikey's room and saw me. Raph went up to me and sat on the bed and hugged me. " what happened..." I barley spoke. We heard a thud from the entrance. We rushed and saw Tiffany. She was beaten and blood was everywhere. Donnie grabs her and rushed her to the lab. Leo rushed in " where are the others?" Tears were seen on Tiffany's face. She didn't bother hiding. " they died.... it happened so fast.... one of them shot me..." Donnie looked at her panicking. He looked all over her and found a bullet hole.
Tears went down his face and he quickly grabbed the tools. " Donnie what the hell is going on" Leo stared freaking. " Leo Tiffany will die if I don't get this bullet out of her...." that's it. I fell to my knees and tears fell. Everyone was helping Donnie. No one noticed me.
'If she dies I will be truly alone' tears fell and I ran to the bathroom locking it. I climbed in a tub and just sat there crying.
I took my jacket off and took the wrappings off on my right arm and grabbed the blade. This is all I know. The only thing that will take all the pain away. I cut. Cut. Cut.
It felt like hours passed and my arm looked worse than my other arm. I cried more and more. I heard the door tried to open but it was locked. I heard someone picking at the lock and I panicked. I grabbed the bandages and quickly wrapped it around my arm. It was messy but I had no time. The door swung open and I felt tears fall.
I was picked up and carried to the living room. My arm wasn't completely bandaged so I knew he saw my arm. I looked up and saw leo. ' Leo saw me...' I looked down not wanting to look at anyone. He set me on the couch and stood in front of me and I could tell he was beyond pissed. Raph and Mikey came in and saw me and they ran to me. Mikey was beginning to cry when he saw my arm.
Raph growled and ripped off all the gauze on both arms. Blood leaked from the wounds as tears leaked from my eyes.
" what the hell are these marks (y/n)!!" Raph yelled at me and I froze. I looked away from him but with my luck a sad Mikey stood in front of me.
(Y/n) please tell us..." Mikey pleaded with tears pouring from his eyes. I couldn't control it anymore. I shattered and I just cried.
" I self harm alright!! It's the only thing that kept me going. Splinter knew I had depression and the reason why I didn't say anything before when Donnie took my bandages off I didn't want anyone to know. It was my only escape. The only way I knew that would work. I felt responsible for Tiffany and Kim and Jackie. And it's my fault that they are dead because if I didn't set up the plan to kill shredder splinter would be alive and so would the girls and Tiffany wouldn't have got hurt and it's all my fault!" I cried more and more. Mikey had tears running down his face. Raph was silent. Leo just glared at me. ' they think it's my fault also' Mikey hugged me so tight I didn't know what to do. " it wasn't your fault (y/n) why would you ever think that" he looked into my (e/c) eyes and cried. " well everyone else thinks it's my fault and I feel like it's my fault" I grabbed my knees to my chest. " who is everyone else?" Leo asked me. I looked down and whispered loud enough for him to hear. " April , Casey and Karai... I don't blame Karai because she's just angry about her fathers death but April and Casey weren't there..." Raph growled and ran out. ' shit I think I made everything worse'