her way ✰ (dallas winston x reader)

chapter 44 - bitter

this is a short ass chapter, sorry 

(I bet y'all didn't actually think you'd be feeling bad for bob sksksk)

~your p.o.v~

Dallas finished cleaning me up in silence, but almost the whole time he'd have a tight grip on my arm or hand. I guess I couldn't blame him. He knew I was in a bad mental state, that I could do something unpredictable at any minute. 

He led me back out into the living room and no one had moved from their positions. Everyone was frozen. It was like they were afraid to move.

I slowly made my way back over to my spot on the couch and I felt sleepy. I desperately wanted to sleep all of this off. A part of me still wanted to go to sleep and wake up to find that it was fake.

"Could I maybe sleep on the couch?" I asked, looking over to Darry. Darry immediately nodded.

"Yeah, of course. Feel free to stay as long as you need." His voice was quiet and cautious, like if he spoke too loud it'd scare me. 

"Do you need any clothes or anything?" Sodapop chimed in. I shook my head no slowly, not making eye contact. 

I stared blankly at the wall, my thoughts starting up again. I felt anger. Who was I angry at? I would never be angry at Johnny in a million years, even if he was the reason that my brother lie dead on the pavement at this moment. 

Maybe I was angry at my brother. Maybe I was mad that he made me feel this way. After years of treating me like shit, he went back to how he used to be before the labels got to his head. He had a freak out but made his last words to me an apology. 

I was probably mad at myself. I was ashamed more than anything. I thought I could save him, I thought I alone was enough to stop the inevitable demise of my brother. 

I guess death stops for no one. Not even a desperate little sister like me that frantically tried to put her brother's death off for years. I know it was only a matter of time, yet I still couldn't believe it. Part of me always believed I could stop it, that I could make it all stop. 

I let my gaze travel down to my bloody, callused hands. What was I gonna do? 

"It's gonna be okay, Y/n." Two-bit spoke softly next to me and I clenched and unclenched my fists.

"How do you know that?" I snapped, my whole body tensing up. I couldn't even control myself anymore, I was having a break down. I would switch between frantic, depressed, numb, and infuriated in the span of five minutes. 

For some reason it felt better to just be angry. I didn't even care if there was nothing to be angry at, if there was no one to blame anymore. I just wanted to be angry towards the world, I wanted to shut everyone out. If this is what it feels like losing someone I'd rather have no one to lose. 

I'm never gonna experience this ever again. 

"I don't, but you gotta believe that it'll get better for there to even be a possibility of it happening." Two-bit continued. 

"Well isn't that lovely? If I believe that everything will be okay it'll magically fix itself, right? It's like suddenly, if I just hope hard enough, my brother won't be dead! Well, that's not the fucking case." I said, standing up. Two-bit stared at me with wide eyes. I almost regretted what I had said when I saw the look of hurt in his eyes. 

No.

I'm not gonna feel anything for anybody.

"This was a great chat, but I'm gonna go. Turns out I won't be staying after all." I spat bitterly. I turned and headed for the door, the boys all collectively calling my name. 

I slammed the door behind me.

I didn't need anyone.