her way ✰ (dallas winston x reader)

chapter 76 - just a kid

heavy chapter. mentions of suicidal thoughts, you've been warned.
I don't even know what this turned into??

~your p.o.v~

Blood.

It was happening again.

I stared at Bob's lifeless body. His eyes closed, stuck in an eternal sleep that he'd never wake up from. He lay there, not moving on the cold, wet concrete, surrounded by a pool of his own blood.

Suddenly, my eyes were invaded by flames and the setting of where I was changed. I was at the church. Johnny was there, desperately reaching out towards me.

I immediately tried and reach out to save him, but I couldn't.

"Help me!" He screamed, desperately trying to claw his way through the opening of the wall in the church. I couldn't move, couldn't speak.

"Please, Y/n!" He begged, tears streaming down his face.

The roof caved in and suddenly Johnny's face was gone. His body had been trapped in the burning wood and I didn't save him.

I couldn't change what had happened. I couldn't save him no matter how hard I tried.

I couldn't save Bob or Johnny. I tried to put off their deaths, but I failed in the end and stood by when they died.

I shot up in bed, breathing heavily. I had a sick feeling in my stomach. I was still safe in the motel room. Dallas was still next to me, Johnny was still here and so was Ponyboy. We were safe.

I kept having dreams about Bob and my mother, but I had never had a dream about Johnny like that. It made me think about what could've happened if I hadn't reached out to save him in time.

My hands were shaking violently. I couldn't take it. I couldn't handle everything going on in my mind. My whole family was gone and I had seen my friends be put at risk too.

I wish things could've been different.

My mind wandered to the gun in my suitcase. I had told Dallas about the gun I had that used to belong to my dad, I had taken it with me when I moved in with Two-bit. Ever since what happened with Bob I've been wary, so I wanted to keep it just in case.

Dallas told me to bring it on the trip just in case. He said you never know what could happen in unfamiliar cities.

I never thought that the danger I'd be facing would be myself.

I brought myself to the side of the bed and slowly sat up. I stood up as if my body had a mind of it's own.

I silently ambled over to my suitcase. I unzipped it, reaching towards the more hidden pocket inside the suitcase.

My fingers brushed across the cold metal and my shaking became worse. I wrapped my fingers around the gun, being cautious.  The gun was loaded after all.

I slowly pulled the gun out, my eyes scanning over it. I could barely keep a grip on the gun since I was shaking so bad.

I felt sick, it felt like the world was spinning. I just wanted the nightmares to stop, I didn't want to see my brother die again. I didn't want to see the people I love die in my dreams. I can't handle the reminders of what I've seen.

I squeezed my eyes shut, silently sobbing to myself. I thought I was fine and that I could just forget it all. I thought a road trip could fix this, I thought running away would change what happened.

I'll never be able to change this. This is it, this is my life. There's no turning back now, no matter how badly I might miss my family. I just want them back, I want back the people I took for granted.

"Y/n?" A soft voice made me jump and I quickly shoved the gun away into my suitcase, zipping it up.

I turned to look who it was and Dallas was standing behind me, a look of confusion and hurt on his face.

"What were you looking at?" It came out as a firm statement. I stayed silent, staring down at my shaking hands.

"Answer me."

"I can't." I muttered, my voice cracking. I hated this, I looked weak.

"Why was that gun in your hands, Y/n?" He whispered.

"I can't take it, Dal. I can't take it. I-I'll kill myself or somethin." I tangled my hands in my hair, the feeling of panic taking over my body. I couldn't take it anymore.

My hands slid down to my face. I wanted to hide, I wanted to disappear and never come back. Why did I feel this all of the sudden? I was fine earlier today.

I guess grief hits at random times. It doesn't matter if you were fine before. Grief is something that can be on and off. Everything can be fine, but sometimes grief is there in the back of your mind. A little thing could remind you of a tragic event and suddenly it feels like you're reliving it.

Dal's hands firmly grabbed mine and took them away from my face. He held them tightly and I turned my head away from him. I didn't want him to see me like this.

"Let's go for a walk right now, okay? You need some fresh air."

I stayed silent but followed him towards the door. He grabbed our room key from the counter by the door and we quietly slipped out of the motel room and into the outside world.

The cold air hit me, but it didn't bother me. The cold was the least of my problems right now.

Dal kept one of his hands tightly wrapped around mine as we walked. We stayed silent for a moment as we just walked.

We made it to the pool area. The pool was illuminated, giving the area around it a blue glow.

We sat down side by side on a lawn chair and he looked up at the night sky, still staying quiet. His silence was putting me on edge, but his presence was still comforting.

"The stars, man." He mumbled. I furrowed my eyebrows, still looking at him. He stared at the sky with a sort of admiration. This wasn't like Dallas. I thought the only person that ever took time to admire the sky was Ponyboy, the young dreamer of the gang who loved his books, the clouds, and sunsets.

I never thought I'd be watching a boy like Dallas Winston admiring the sky. A boy who had seen horrible things, who was rough and cold towards the world.

Seeing a boy like him stare in wonder at something as small as the stars in the night sky gave me hope, though.

"I hate seeing a gun in the hands of someone like you." Dallas continued. I looked up at the sky now, too.

"Oh yeah, why?"

"Just seems out of place. A girl like you shouldn't have a reason to be holding a heater in her hands like that. You still have a lot of good things going for you in life. I don't wanna see someone like you let go of that. There's still lots of good in your world."  He spoke softly.

"What do you mean my world? What about your world, Dal?" I turned towards him. He smiled a little to himself, but it wasn't a good smile. It looked like a sad smile, a smile that had a sad irony to it.

"It might be a little too late for there to be good left in my world," He muttered. "But it's not too late for you."

"Don't say that. It's not too late for things to be different." I gripped his hand tighter.

He stayed silent and I looked at him. He seemed preoccupied with his thoughts.

I'd never seen this side of Dallas before. He seemed distant. Lost.  But even when he was still lost, he tried to save another lost soul.

People saw Dallas as a heartless boy. Just a no good hood. Even I thought that at first.

Now I know. Everyone was wrong with what they thought about him. He puts up a wall, he doesn't let anyone in. He's not a bad guy, he's just rough around the edges. He just shut everyone out of his world.

Yet sometimes if you were lucky, you could break into that world of his. Maybe you could get lucky and find out that deep down, he's just a kid like the rest of us.

He's just a kid.