beautiful

the calm before the storm

song - bitches broken hearts: billie eilish

TW: bulimia, self-harm

There she is, all alone in the cold bathroom attached to her bedroom. Her thin legs against the cold tile, her head over the toilet, her fingers down her throat. Her body shivers as the small piece of toast she ate earlier makes its reappearance. She slumps against the wall beside her, small streams of salty tears making their way down her face. She flushes down the demon she can't bare to look at. She looks at herself in the mirror. She strips of her old Taylor Swift tee and black athletic shorts, left in her old sports bra and panties that could fit a 10 year old.

Fat. Ugly. Disgusting. Die.

The all too familiar voices wrack her mind, the tears streaming faster. Her ribs are easily seen, her skin barely able to cover them. She is only flesh and bones. She is so small. So thin. But that's not what she sees. She sees someone not good enough. She sees someone who doesn't deserve to live. She sees the old and new scars that line her arms. She places the clothes back on her body, shutting the light off and going back to into her bare bedroom. The cardboard boxes stare at her, dying to be unpacked. She lets out a small sigh, turning on her playlist. The voice of Billie Eilish soon fills the room. She rips open the first box, finding her old clothes. It mainly consists of old jeans and old sweatshirts. She goes through the pile, staring at the tattered clothes that fill the box. She keeps a few of her favorite sweatshirts, but is just going to get rid of the rest. She slips on her twenty one pilots sweatshirt, knowing her parents will be home soon. They do not know of the scars that line her body. They know about her weight. They believe it is just a birth defect. Her disinterest in food is passed off as a birth defect. Her constant shivering is just a tick to them. One of her coping ticks for her anxiety. Her shivering is really because her body can't contract heat with what little she has on her body.

As she folds and places her pajamas into a drawer, the front door opens. She takes a deep breath. She continues what she is doing, opening the next box that is full of old tees and athletic shorts. A small knock fills the air.

"Come in," she says, not turning around.

"Mpenzi, can you come downstairs? Your father and I would like to show you something," Mrs. Heron smiles.

"Be there in a sec, Mom. Just let me finish folding this," she responds. She places the shirt in the drawer and heads down the stairs, seeing both of her parents in the living room.

"Cady, we know how anxious you are about your first day tomorrow. But we believe in you and we have something for you," her dad smiles. Her mom covers Cady's eyes, confusing Cady even more. Her dad places a ball of fur into Cady's lap, her mom's hands uncovering her eyes.

Cady lets out a scream of joy. A golden pomeranian puppy sits in her lap, immediately licking Cady's face.

"Well, mpenzi, what are you going to name her?" her mom questions.

Cady smiles. "Nala."

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Later that night, Cady's closet is full of brand new clothes, her mom offering since she is basically starting a new life tomorrow. Cady now locks herself in her bathroom, her thoughts overtaking her small frame.

Pig. Disgusting. Fat. Gross. You should die.

You should die.

Cady pulls open the small cabinet that hides behind the mirror. She takes out the small box that hides the razor blades she has collected when her parents weren't looking. She takes one out, tears filling her eyes and streaming down her face. She slumps to the floor, her sweatshirt already taken off and near the door. The blade glides across the skin of her forearm. It doesn't hurt her anymore. The pain becoming a numbing feeling that is almost soothing. The tears fall harder, a small sob escaping her lips. She continues until the razor is practically dull, her arms looking like a war zone.

She wipes away her tears, cleaning the newly formed cuts that now line her skin. She wraps them in bandages, knowing that they will have scabbed over by the morning. She silently slips her sweatshirt back on, unlocking the door and unmaking her bed, as if nothing had happened. Nala wags her small tail, staring up at Cady.

A small smile forms on Cady's face, picking up Nala and laying down, setting her alarm for 6:00am. She scrolls through Instagram, later uploading a picture of the sunset back in Kenya. The caption reading, "all you want to do is kiss me, oh what a shame i'm not there". A small knock can be heard from behind the door.

"Come in," she says, looking over at the door.

In enters her mom and dad. "We just wanted to say goodnight," they smile.

"Goodnight, guys. Love you," she smiles fakely.

"We love you, Cady. Get some rest." They close the door, leaving Cady alone with Nala and her thoughts.

It's going to be a long day tomorrow.