song - give me love: ed sheeran
TW: mention of self harm scars and anxiety/panic attack(s)
Cady glances up at the clock again. 1:47pm. It's opening night and to say that Cady was nervous would be an understatement. She is terrified. She watches the clock as the minutes tick by. The time moves slowly, only causing Cady's panic to rise.
Her hands start to shake and her breaths become quick. Immediately, her hand shoots up in the air.
"Yes, Miss Heron?" Mr. Hoban asks.
"M-may I use the restroom, please?" Cady chokes out.
As soon as he nods, she races out the door. She stumbles into the bathroom, her eyes filled with tears and starting to hyperventilate.
"Caddie?" Janis asks.
Cady immediately recognizes her voice and runs into her arms. She starts to sob into Janis's chest, her entire body shaking.
"Oh, Caddie," Janis sighs. "It's okay. You're okay. Listen to me. Listen to my heartbeat. It's all okay. I know you're nervous but you've been doing so well at rehearsal. You know what you're doing and you are going to be so amazing. I believe in you, babes."
Cady sobs as Janis slides them down onto the cold tile floor. Janis continues to hold Cady, stroking her hair as Cady rides out her panic attack. Her sobs wrack her small body as she holds onto Janis like a lifeline.
Janis is her rock. Janis is who she trusts. Janis is who she believes. Janis is the one that keeps her breathing.
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After who knows how long, Cady starts to calm down. Her breathing starts to slow and her tears stop, but she can't let go of Janis.
"Caddie? We have to go back to class. It's almost over," Janis says.
Cady whimpers, holding on tighter.
"Okay. Take my jacket. Put it on so it's like I'm right with you. And then, I will meet you at the theatre and I can hold you until showtime. Sound good?" Janis explains, shaking off her jacket.
Cady nods as Janis wraps her jacket around her and slowly pulling her off the floor. Janis walks her back to her classroom, giving her a final kiss on the forehead.
Janis's jacket is way too big on her, but Cady feels safe wrapped in Janis's scent. She slides back into her desk, placing her stuff into her bag. She watches the clock, yet again. 2:29pm. One more minute. She stares down at her hands, playing with the sleeves of Janis's jacket.
The bell rings and Cady rushes out of her class, finding Janis waiting for her. Janis wraps her arm around Cady, walking toward the theatre.
"Janis?" Cady squeaks.
"Yes, Caddie?" Janis responds.
"I love you," Cady smiles.
"I love you too, babes," Janis grins, kissing Cady on the top of her head.
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"You've got this, Cads. I believe in you. You are so amazing and so talented and this is your time to shine," Janis whispers, holding Cady close.
Cady meets her eyes, takes a deep breath, and places a kiss on Janis's lips. The show starts in 10 minutes. Cady looks at herself in the dressing room mirror, touching up her lipstick for the millionth time in the last five minutes. This is her time. Janis is right. This is her role and she was cast for a reason.
Cady walks out onto the stage, stepping into her place. She takes a deep breath as the curtains open and spotlights shine down on her.
"September 1, 1989. Dear Diary,"
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The audience cheers wildly. Cady was amazing. As she took her bow, she received a standing ovation, causing her eyes to fill with tears. She felt like she belonged. Like she was finally accepted. As if she wasn't the new girl, for just a moment. As if she finally found her place in this world. The curtains close and she is wrapped in an extremely tight hug with both Janis and Damian. Janis is in tears, so proud of her girl for getting up there and doing what she was meant to do. Damian is freaking out, saying that this had been their best show ever and that he can't wait for tomorrow night.
Damian finally goes to find his parents, leaving Cady and Janis alone. Janis holds Cady close, praising her and kissing her softly. Cady feels like she is on cloud nine. She has never felt so happy before.
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Janis, Damian, and Cady all go out to iHop after the show, a normal theatre tradition. Cady and Janis sit next to each other, hand in hand. Multiple people (who must have been at the show) come up to Cady and congratulate her on an amazing performance, especially a lot of guys who try to flirt with her. Now, Cady is oblivious to this and just thinks that they are being nice. This pisses Janis off to no end. Janis wraps her arm around Cady, holding her close and kissing her hands and cheek to make sure that everyone can see that Cady is hers. This makes Cady turn absolutely red. She hides her face in the crook of Janis's neck, making Damian fake gag and completely turn around to talk to Aaron. Even though Cady is absolutely exhausted, she never wants this night to end.
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Janis finally takes Cady home at 1:13am. Cady never lets go of Janis's hand. She feels safe when she can feel Janis near her. They head upstairs in a comfortable silence. Janis holds her close when they get to her bedroom.
"Do you want to take a shower?" asks Janis.
Cady nods her head, taking Janis's hand and leading her to the bathroom. Janis helps Cady get ready for her shower, starting the water for her and giving her a towel.
"Janis?" Cady says.
"Yeah?"
"Can you stay with me?"
Janis smiles, following Cady into the shower. Janis holds Cady close, helping her wash up and get the rest of her makeup off. Cady keeps her head buried in Janis's chest, starting to notice her scars again. She feels as though they are staring her down. Her hands start to shake and she starts to scratch at the ones that line her left wrist.
"Hey...none of that," Janis says, taking Cady's hands into hers. "Caddie, they don't define you. They make you the bravest person I know. And I love you so so much."
And then Janis does something unexpected. She takes Cady's wrists into her hands and kisses every single one of her scars. Cady's eyes fill with tears and Cady kisses Janis with all of the love in her body. Janis holds her close, never wanting to let her go.
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Cady is wrapped in Janis's arms, trying to fall asleep. It's close to 2:00am and she is exhausted, but she can't sleep. And Janis knows. She can feel Cady moving around in her arms trying to sleep and failing. So, Janis does what anyone would do to get someone to sleep. Sing to them. Janis sings her "Give Me Love", Cady's favorite song. Cady smiles and snuggles into Janis's side, finally finding the sleep she needed. Janis smiles, holding her closer.
And she never wants to let go.
YOU ARE READING
beautiful
FanfictionCady Heron is new to Northshore, a mystery following her presence. She has just moved to the States from Kenya. She gets swooped up by Janis and Damian, the outcasts that are too gay to function. As her feelings start to explore, she begins to fall...
