beautiful

goodbyes shouldn't exist

song - goodbye: billie eilish

One Month Later

Her tear stains are the first thing she notices in the mirror. But she's used to them by now. They haven't left her face since she left. She hasn't been the same. She hasn't touched her jacket. It still smells like her. She misses her big blue eyes. She misses falling asleep with her in her arms. She misses her smile that always used to brighten up her day.

But she's gone now.

Janis stares at herself in the mirror. Her black dress clings to her small body. She's lost a lot of weight in the past month. She barely leaves her room. She never goes to school. She keeps her curtains closed. Her world has gone dark without her sunshine.

She quickly wipes away the tears that are blurring her vision. The crumpled piece of paper in her fist is the only thing keeping her from sinking into the floor and having yet another breakdown. The sound of her phone pulls her out of her thoughts.

Damian was there.

The two of them have been closer than ever. He was the only reason that she didn't let go. She pulls on her boots and grabs her bag, slowly heading downstairs. She's not ready. She didn't want this day to get here so fast. Time moves faster when you're grieving.

The cold air hit her like a bag of bricks. She shivered, hurrying into Damian's car. She never looked up at Damian. Seeing his face would make her realize that today was really here.

For the past month, Janis hasn't had a night without a nightmare. She blames herself. If only she could have told her what really happened. If only she had pushed Regina off sooner. If only she could have told her how much she loves her. Maybe she wouldn't be gone. A day hasn't gone by where Janis doesn't blame herself for what happened.

Cady's parents had asked Janis to speak at the funeral. They could never blame Janis. They knew how much Janis loved their daughter. Truthfully, they blamed themselves. They weren't there for her. They were gone. They had only just come home. If they hadn't fallen asleep after the movie, maybe they could have been able to get to her sooner.

But nothing could save her now.

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"I never thought that I would be up here. Today has honestly been one of the worst days of my life. I miss her every single day. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't miss her. She always knew how to cheer someone up. She was the light of my life and now I'm living in darkness. Cady was someone special to everyone. She was perfect. She may not have thought that but in my eyes she was the most perfect girl in the entire world.

"Everyday is hard without her. I miss her beautiful voice that used to flow throughout the house on the weekends. I miss her beautiful blue eyes that I could just get lost in. I miss her gorgeous smile that always used to brighten up my day. She was one of a kind and I don't think anyone could ever replace her. I loved her. Cady Heron was the love of my life. I truly didn't deserve her. No one did.

"I want to say I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Heron. I wish I could have saved her. She never should have been in that kind of pain. She deserved so much more. I should have been able to save her and I couldn't. I messed up. And I am so sorry that your daughter had to leave in that way. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about how I could have been better. If I had been better, she wouldn't be gone and I'm sorry that I couldn't save her.

"Damian. I'm sorry that our best friend is gone. She was the one who always knew how to make our movie nights better. I miss sitting around and laughing at you guys when you would read through scripts or were just acting like typical theatre nerds. I should have done more. I hate knowing that I caused all of this pain. I should have done more. She shouldn't be gone and the hole she left can never be filled.

"And most importantly, Cady. I'm sorry that I let you down. I wish I could just turn back time because everyday without you is a living hell. I hate that you're not here. God, I never knew how much it hurts to lose someone that you are so in love with. I am so fucking sorry that I didn't do more. You were my oxygen. I can't breathe without you but I have to learn how to. I love you. And I am so sorry."

Janis was sobbing. She couldn't hold it in. She missed her more than anything. As she went to return to her spot next to Damian, she could see her through her tears.

She was sitting in the last row. She was just how Janis remembered her. Janis knew that she was the only one who could see her, but that didn't stop her breath from catching in her throat.

She had that gorgeous smile on her face. She was finally happy. She got up to leave and finally be at peace. But just before she could go, she whispered in Janis's ear.

"I love you."