beautiful

the heartbeat of a savior

song - all of the stars: ed sheeran

TW: suicidal thoughts

When Cady wakes, Janis isn't beside her. Her heart drops down to her stomach. She slowly slips on a fresh pair of panties, a pair of black yoga shorts, and her black Ed Sheeran hoodie. She attempts to rub the exhaustion out of her eyes as she heads to downstairs. Something is different. There's a slight warmth and shine to the kitchen.

The sight of Janis making pancakes makes Cady practically fall over. She realizes how much she loves this girl. Soon enough, without even realizing, Cady is biting her lower lip and watching her girlfriend. Janis is extremely concentrated on what she's making. A perfect breakfast for her perfect girlfriend.

Janis turns around to grab a plate when she spots Cady, causing her to jump. "Christ, Caddie. You're so quiet," she giggles.

Cady flushes and instinctively covers her face. Janis walks over to her and takes her hands away from her face. Cady gazes up through her lashes, biting her lip. Janis doesn't say anything, instead she kisses Cady, holding her close. Cady relaxes, allowing her girlfriend to be the only person that exists in her universe at that moment.

"Well, I was going to bring you breakfast in bed, but since you're down here, it's time to eat," Janis smiles.

Cady tenses but decides to sit at the counter. She doesn't want to argue about this again. Janis places a plate in front of her. Pancakes, eggs, and bacon glare at her. Her eyes widen and Janis can see her panic.

"You have to eat at least half of it. Okay?" Janis asks, grasping Cady's hand.

Cady nods and picks up her fork. She slowly eats and keeps quiet. The only thing that is racing through her head are the same thoughts that kept her awake that previous night. Soon enough, she's pushing what's left around on her plate.

Janis gazes up at her, knowing that something is wrong. She's normally so bright and lively. The air that surrounds them is filled with silence. But not a comfortable silence. The silence that fills the air is almost static. As if one wrong move could cause an extreme reaction.

Cady puts down her fork, allowing her hands to drop to her lap. She stares at her pale hands, as if they were foreign to her. Her shaking fingers start to pull at the sleeve of her hoodie, trying to occupy her running mind.

She wants to leave you.

You're no good for her.

You're too broken for her to love her.

You should end it.

You being gone would make her happy.

"Caddie? You okay?" Janis asks, putting her hand on Cady's shoulder.

"T-they're back," Cady answers shakily.

"What do you mean? What's back?" Janis asks, pulling Cady into her arms.

"M-my thoughts...they're back and t-they're bad..." Cady trails off.

Janis is quiet, continuing to hold Cady close to her. She doesn't know what to think. She wants to help her girl but she truly doesn't know. This isn't something that her and Damian can just help with.

"Caddie...I want you to think about what I'm going to suggest. I want you to really think about it, okay?" Janis says, holding Cady's face in her hands.

Cady nods, a fearful look in her eyes.

"I...I want you to think about maybe going to therapy. You've been through so much and this isn't something that Damian and I can just help you through. I know it's a lot to ask but I think it will really help you. When my parents got divorced, it was really hard on my sister and me. We both went to therapy and it really helped. When Regina ruined my life, I went to therapy. I know it feels weak to ask for help, I truly understand how it feels. But it will really help. Now, I'm not asking you to make an immediate decision. It is a lot to consider. So just think about it, okay?" Janis explains.