beautiful

3am is a powerful hour

song - idontwannabeyouanymore: billie eilish

TW: self-harm

She opens the front door, Nala immediately running into her arms. Cady can't process everything that had just happened that day. Janis, the only girl nice to her all day, lives next door. The queen bee, Regina, already has a personal vendetta against her. Cady heads toward the back door, letting Nala outside to use the bathroom. She sits on the back porch, biting her lip, soon tasting blood. She runs her hands through her hair, letting out a sigh.

She takes Nala back inside, heading upstairs to her room. She places her school bag beside her desk, sitting down. She puts on her playlist, the soft voice Billie Eilish filling her small room. She hums along, pulling out her Calculus homework.

You will never be accepted here. And I'll make sure of that.

You should just slit your wrists now. It'll make everyone happy.

She lets out a frustrated groan. She doesn't even notice the tears that have started to stream down her face. She puts her face in her hands and lets out a loud sob. She can't even try to stop herself. All she remembers is being in her desk chair, sobbing loudly like a child. Now she's on her bathroom floor, the razor in her hand. She can't stop herself from making a large cut on her forearm. She lets out a sob, knowing that she has no control. She keeps going, the blood soon hitting the bathroom floor.

She lets out a small scream. "I hate you! Why am I you?!"

The puddle of blood in front of her stares her down, like a parent scolding a child. Cady is numb now. She can't feel anything. She cleans up the puddle, flushing the toilet paper down the toilet to hide the evidence. She cleans her arms, knowing that if they become infected, her secret will be out.

She slips out of the clothes she wore to school, not daring to look down at her body. She slips on a pair of pink sweatpants and a black "Champion" hoodie.

Champion? You're the opposite. You're pathetic.

She lets out a shaky sigh, her parents arriving home from work. Cady heads downstairs, just wanting to get some more water.

Cady's dad places a pizza box on the dinner table. "Eat up, mpenzi."

"No thanks, Dad. I'm not really hungry," Cady says, not looking up to meet his eyes.

"Mpenzi, I know you don't like food all that much, but you really need to eat," her mom says, placing a hand on to Cady's back.

"Mom, I said I'm not hungry!" Cady bursts.

"Cady Lisbet Heron, you will take a slice of pizza and you will like it!" Her dad yells, causing Cady to shiver a little more than normal.

"Fine. Whatever," Cady grumbles, grabbing a small slice and heading back upstairs.

She places the slice on the floor to let Nala eat it. The smell of the pizza causes Cady to want to puke. She immediately lights a candle, the sweet smell of champagne filling the room.

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Cady wakes up with a start, her nightmare still playing in her mind. She sighs, picking up her phone. 3:12am. She groans, flopping back down on to her pillow. She slowly crawls toward her window seat, the sight of the stars in the sky allowing her to relax just a little. Her blue eyes stare at the sky, the stars allowing her to flashback to Kenya. The clear night skies. The animals sleeping around her. She lets out a small whimper, missing those days in the desert.

A light catches her attention. It's from a room next door. A girl, painting. Janis, painting. Cady watches her, her concentration on her painting allowing her to not notice Cady sitting at the window.

Janis picks her head up a little, allowing Cady's small frame to come into her line of vision. Janis smiles, waving at her. Cady forces a half-smile and waves back. Janis sets down her brush, sitting down at her window sill, motioning for Cady to open her window. Cady opens her window as Janis does the same.

"What are you doing up so late?" Janis asks, smirking a little.

The words leave Cady's mouth, going into a nonverbal state. Fuck. Cady looks down at her hands. She steadies her hands slightly, signing. "Can you sign?"

Janis smiles, and starts to sign back. "Weirdly enough, I can. So, answer my quiestion. What are you doing up so late?"

"I can't sleep. What about you? Why are you up?"

"My imagination was running wild and I just had to paint."

A small smile slips on to Cady's face. The girls sign back and forth to each other, talking about nothing and everything at the same time. They talk for what seems like no time at all, until Cady's eyes begin to get heavy. Janis notices once the small girl lets out a yawn.

"Why don't you get some rest, Caddie? We can talk tomorrow morning. Also, I was wondering if you wanted to walk to school together?"

"I would love that. I guess this is goodnight then."

"Goodnight, Caddie. Have sweet dreams." Janis blows her a kiss, smiling.

Both of the girls close their windows, Cady not noticing the blush that has formed on her cheeks. She checks the time. 4:27am. Cady soon slips back into a dream-like state, dreaming of Janis and the beauty that only Cady can see.

Little does she know, her feelings about this girl are more than just platonic. Her heart flutters and she smiles in her sleep, dreaming of a better life where she is normal. Where her feelings have taken her to a place that only exists in her mind.

That was the first night Cady had ever slept peacefully.