Old Me

26 - Past Is Apparent

When we got to the car Michael asked if I wanted to put on some music. He handed me his phone which he had plugged into the aux cable and unlocked it with his thumb.

His background was of a sunset somewhere but I didn't look too closely because I didn't want him to think I was snooping on his phone. I found his music app and pressed shuffle play on his saved songs. I feel like you can tell a lot about someone based on their music choices.

The first song that came on was by someone I'd never heard of before, NF.

"Who's NF?" I asked locking his phone and placing it in one of the cup holders.

"He's a rapper. He's got a song on the top charts so you've probably heard him just didn't know who he was."

"Oh," I said sitting back and relaxing into the seat as I took in the lyrics.

It was pretty intense and made me curious about what Michael must have been through to relate to the song. When did he listen to it? What made him feel connected to these lyrics?

The artist, NF, was talking about not apologizing for who he was, making it only more awkward for me that I wasn't talking about my history with cancer. The lyrics really hit home and I decided I should tell him about my life. I should open up because if things kept going at the rate they were I'd feel like I was lying about a huge part of my life.

I cleared my throat and lowered the music as the song changed.

"So, I figure I should tell you the whole story. I mean it was a major part of my life and has really made me who I am today," I said, convincing myself that I was doing the right thing by telling him.

"Okay, if you feel like I need to know. But, you don't have to tell me anything you're not comfortable with," he paused to look at me as we pulled up to a stop sign, "Okay?"

"I know, I want to though."

He nodded and I took a breath, deciding where to begin.

"I got sick in spring of my junior year of high school. I had just turned 17 and I started having all these weird symptoms. I was getting dizzy easily. I kept finding all these weird bruises on my body when I didn't remember hitting anything. I was tired, like really tired. And my gums starting bleeding every time I brushed my teeth. I finally decided to ask my mom about it but she didn't have any idea what it could be. They seemed like a random group of symptoms."

I paused remembering how she was certain everything was fine.

"She booked me a doctor's appointment for a couple weeks later and we went in thinking it was nothing. We even joked that it was probably a waste of the $20 copay."

"My doctor didn't immediately think it was cancer. He thought it could be my diet, I wasn't getting enough vitamins or something, but he took some labs and I went home. My mom got a phone call the next day when I was at school that I needed to come in as soon as possible. The doctor wouldn't tell her anything over the phone, which made her really angry,"

I smiled to myself thinking about my mom's Italian blood getting the best of her.

"So, she pulled me out of school that afternoon and we went to his office with my dad. I honestly had no idea what the doctor was going to say, I just knew it was serious as there were several other doctors in the room. One of them was a psychologist...Anyways, they said that they suspected leukemia and needed to perform a biopsy to confirm it-"

"Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but what's a biopsy?"

"Oh, um, it's where they take a sample of tissue, or in my case bone marrow, to test for specific cancers."

"Oh, okay. Sorry. Continue," he nodded, returning his focus on the road.

"The other doctor in the room was an oncologist who explained to us the next steps. I honestly don't remember much of the appointment. I know my mom and dad started crying, but I was too shocked to really process any of it."

"I had to book an appointment for the bone marrow biopsy at a medical center, the one we were at today actually, to get the procedure done. I was in denial, I didn't want to believe it. It didn't make sense. I spent all of that night up late researching leukemia, what it is, treatments, and survival rates. Which only freaked me out even more. My mom, of course, called the whole family and she let me stay home from school the next day. Everyone came over and brought me food and kind of threw me this pity party. The only person who didn't treat me differently was my zia, sorry, my Aunt Aurora. She knew I would it beat no matter what it was and really gave me confidence."

"I felt like this doll that everyone was afraid to break. I hated everyone's faces looking so sorry for me. It's like I wasn't me anymore. My mom was treating me like such a baby. Checking on me every five minutes..."

"After the bone marrow biopsy came back positive for leukemia, I was given the official diagnosis of ALL, acute lymphocytic leukemia. I started chemo two days later and was in treatment for about a year and a half before I was finally back on my feet. My mom was seriously my rock. I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true. After the diagnosis, she spent a week sulking, just constantly on the verge of tears every time she looked at me. Aurora came over and I guess talked some sense into her. My aunt's optimism was contagious. She was just so certain that I was going to be fine that even I started to believe it."

"I think that's why we're so close now. My zia and my mom had to take care of me like I was a baby and I felt really terrible because I didn't want to need help. I wanted to do things on my own, I didn't want to be the center of attention anymore. In the end, it really drew us closer. It wasn't always like how it is now with all the family barbecues and such. There was a lot of drama that really just slipped out of focus when I got sick. Everyone really just rallied around me."

"When my mom got pregnant with Cat, it was a huge relief. She finally had someone else to focus on other than me. It was honestly a Godsend. My parents are still pretty protective of me, that's why I went to school in LA. That was the farthest I could convince them to let me go. I was suffocating living here though."

"I was in maintenance therapy for about 2 years. That's why I just barely graduated from college. I was behind in school with the treatments and didn't get to graduate high school on time. It was exciting to go away to school and start over. Everyone in the area I felt like knew me as the girl who had cancer, but when I went away to school I was just Beatrice..."

I figured that was enough sharing and stopped to look at him. His expression was hard to read, but he just looked focused on the road. It surprised me when he cleared his throat and spoke.

"Bea, thank you for sharing that with me. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but I'm happy that your path led me here to meet you," he paused to smile at me and made me feel good about sharing my story with him, "So how long have you been in remission? Is there still a chance that it could come back?"

"I'm actually coming up on my 5 years free. Which makes the likelihood of relapse much, much slimmer. I guess that's why I was so scared about going to the doctor's...I'm so close to being in the clear, but part of me is worried that it won't work out. Like it's going to come back just when everything in my life starts to fall into place. Like my past was going to follow me forever..."

I trailed off feeling a lump in my throat forming with the urge to cry.

"I think that you've got to have a little faith. The world isn't that twisted as to be so cruel..." He said, pausing for a moment, "I spent a long time thinking like that, and admittedly, still do a lot, but sinking into the negativity and what-ifs in the world isn't worth it. Someone once told me how dare I think I'm so important that the world is just waiting around for me to feel happy so that it can steal it away."

He chuckled at his words and it lightened the mood.

"I guess you're right. I'm not that special."

"No, you're special. Just maybe not the center of the universe," he laughed.

I laughed and cringed at the pain it caused my head.

"Thank you," I said seriously.

"You're welcome, Bea," he smiled.