Heart Flutters; [afi]

[14]

"Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."

-J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

February 22, 2013 || Age 19

It's the day before the boys finally leave to go on their tour. Ashton's been more than willing to spend every waking minute with me before he leaves, but I can't lie when I say that it doesn't feel nearly long enough. Ashton and I have been inseparable since we were five, to see him leaving Sydney while I stay behind is enough to break my heart. He keeps promising that things won't ever change between us but I can't help but feel this nagging in the back of my mind saying that everything's going to become different for us. I know that this is probably just me being immature and selfish because I don't want to see him go, but I can't help but feel deep down that a small part of that feeling is right.

It almost seems like Ashton is trying to make up for him leaving, that he's worried we might not make it through this obstacle in the road. I definitely know our relationship will be fine, that it'll be hard, but he keeps always asking me, "Promise?" every time I say that I won't give up on him. The other boys are just as excited as he is, even though he isn't showing it quite as much now that he realizes he's leaving. I think now he realizes that six or so months is a long time to be away, but we've agreed to call and skype whenever we can. I still can't help but worry about him, especially now that he's waiting for his lab results from his heart monitor. He's convinced though that everything is fine and that tour is going to go great.

Ashton's currently out with his family today. His mom told him that he needs to spend at least one day with them before he leaves. I didn't argue, I love Ashton's family like my own and after everything they've been through together, they deserve some one on one time with Ash. Ashton promised that he'd be over later on tonight so that we could spend the last few hours together. So in other words, I've been sitting in my room, eating chocolate like it's going out of style as I listen to depressing Pink Floyd songs that relate to how I'm feeling.

"Lex?"

I pull a headphone from my ear and sit up, coming face to face with Liz. Her wide green eyes are focused intently on my face, her blonde curls a mop on her head. She looks identical to my mom, the same eyes and hair, even their noses are the same. Thinking of mom only makes me miss her more. It's been a couple of years now, but it's times like this where I wish I had her to talk to. Dad listens but I don't always think he understands where I'm coming from. His only response is that I just need to keep supporting Ashton and be strong. Really though, what else can I do?

"Liz, what's up?" I ask, accentuating the 'p' to make her giggle. Luckily for me, she does and a little giggle escapes from her. She reaches up and picks up my hand.

"I needta show you somethin'," She says softly and tugs lightly. I smile and pull my other headphone loose, leaving my iphone on my bed as I follow Liz. It amazes me so much how much she's grown, by the time she's ten I'm positive she'll be tall, maybe even taller than me. I follow her down the hallway, Kaelan is busy gaming in his bedroom and seems completely oblivious to what's going on. He must hear us pass by because he peeks around the doorway and mouths, "What're you doing?" when I glance back at him. I shrug simply and follow Liz down the stairs.

I can hear voices talking and the one is sure familiar. When I reach the bottom, my dad and Calum are sitting at the table, chatting like old friends. Dad's even grabbed Calum a cup of coffee, which I know Calum isn't a fan of (he says dad's coffee is strong like tar, I agree with this). He sips it like a gentleman, nodding at my dad's words before catching my gaze. His dark eyes soften immediately and I purse my lips firmly. It still frustrates me in a sense that Calum hasn't moved on, I suppose it's because I still feel guilty over everything when I know that I couldn't help it.