Heart Flutters; [afi]

[26]

"It isn't possible to love and part. You will wish that it was. You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right: love is eternal."

-E.M. Forester, Room With a View

January 14th, 2014 || Age 20

Today is the day that I finally talk to Ashton about what I had heard. He'd been trying to contact me with endless calls and texts, but I didn't want to end up blurting everything out through either, so I had ignored him. He knew that something was up with me, because he had finally started pestering me about it, sending endless sad emojis and leaving depressing voicemails in my inbox. He had even tried coming over, but I had Kalen tell him I was out shopping. It was a small lie that covered the huge secret I'm now harbouring on my brain.

The toughest part is finding out how exactly to bring this all up to him. Ashton has been in such a good mood lately that I hate to bring this up and spoil it, especially by telling him that Calum was the one to once again spill his secrets. I'm not sure if Calum keeps doing this to protect me or if he's trying to sabotage things between Ashton and I. Regardless, everything is out now and I have to figure out some way to cope with it all.

Ashton had mentioned something about a band practice around noon today and asked if I wanted to go, so I accepted. I knew that as long as Ashton kept himself busy with music, that I wouldn't bring up his illness, whatever that may be. I had noticed the changes in Ashton since Calum had mentioned it, he's paler and he runs out of breath much quicker than before. He still looks like Ashton, just something is slightly off.

So now I'm making my way over to Michael's, my purse hitting against my leg as I stroll quickly down the sidewalk, my brain running over a thousand things that I could be saying today. I want nothing more than to forget about this, hopefully Calum's just bullshitting about it all. The sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach says otherwise and my intuition is never usually wrong.

The only good thing about today is that I get to see Ashton and the sun is shining bright. I spent the majority of my night locked up in my room, unsure of what to say or think at this point. Kalen had tried talking to me twice, wanting to know why I was avoiding Ashton. I simply told him that I didn't want to talk about it and curled up tighter in my blankets like a loser.

I finally make it to Michael's and Mrs. Clifford opens the door with an uneasy smile. She steps aside and lets me into the house without a word and I slip my bag off of my shoulder before finally speaking to her.

"Are you okay, Mrs. C? You don't look to well today," I ask cautiously as I untie my vans and watch her. That's when I finally catch on, I can hear the arguing in the basement of the house. I drop my eyes nervously and feel my stomach churn.

"Everything was fine a short while ago, then next thing I know, they're all fighting," She places her hands on her hips and sighs. "I don't know exactly what they're upset about but it must be something big again."

"I'm sure it's nothing, they're just passionate about what they do," I fib and wave before making my way quickly down the stairs.

I'm not surprised when I see Ashton and Calum nearly nose to nose, both posturily rigid with their fists clenched at their sides. Their eyes are narrowed at each other in absolute death glares and Calum is the one who finally backs off, spitting a "you're not worth my time" in Ashton's face before making his way over to the couch. Ashton grits his teeth, Michael and Luke simply watching the two boys silently.

Ashton finally notices my presence and crosses his arms over his chest, his eyes not softening the slightest. I feel uneasy under his gaze and I know that at any second, the interrogation is coming. Calum doesn't acknowledge that I'm here, Luke and Michael both silently wave. Michael bites his lower lip nervously.