Heart Flutters; [afi]

[2o]

OMG GUYS i'M AT 2O CHAPTERS AND I DIDN'T THINK THIS WOULD EVER HAPPEN CAUSE I'M CRAPPY AT FINISHING STUFF AND YEAH

"Was I bitter? Absolutely. Hurt? You bet your sweet ass I was hurt. Who doesn't feel a part of their heart break at rejection. You ask yourself every question you can think of, what, why, how come, and then your sadness turns to anger. That's my favorite part. It drives me, feeds me, and makes one hell of a story."

― Jennifer Salaiz

October 18th, 2014|| Age 20

When I break down and cry, Ashton's shoulders slump slightly and I watch as he drops his head down. He reaches up and covers his eyes, I can see a stream of words fall from his lips but I can't tell what they are. I don't know if I care to know either. My shoulders shake, my knees are wobbling and it's hard as hell because I want to go grab him and yell at him, yet I want to kiss him. I feel as though my feet are stuck in concrete because my body doesn't want to move. I don't know what I should do next and it's confusing because the internal battle I face isn't letting up.

Ashton exhales heavily across the street and he makes his way toward me, the sound of his feet hitting the ground echoing through the empty street. I want to meet him halfway but I can't figure out how to make my legs move, there's so much emotion rushing through my brain that it's clouding my ability to make decisions. I should just run away from Ashton, just to show him how it feels to be left behind but I can't. I can't because a stupid part of me is so in love with him that I can't bring myself to get away.

As he reaches me, his pace instantly slows and his steps turn hesitant. His eyes are focused intensely on my face, his mouth slightly parted. My hands still cover my mouth but I force myself to draw my eyes up to meet his gaze. Hurt flickers between us and I can feel it like the tip of a knife prodding at my heart. I quickly wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my jacket and tilt my chin up, so I'm squarely facing him.

His hands twitch and he shakes them quickly before shoving them deep into the pockets of his jeans, he slips his lower lip under his teeth and nibbles nervously. I shuffle on my feet and cross my arms over my chest, trying to push down the overwhelming need to throw up. I feel scared for the first time in my life in front of Ashton, because I don't know what he's going to do or say. This guy isn't the one I fell in love with, I'm sure of it. The Ashton I know would have made an effort to make me a part of his life, no matter where he goes.

"Lex," My name slips from his lips like velvet and I melt right in that stupid spot on the sidewalk. My heart is pounding loudly in my ears and I can feel it jumping from beneath my rib cage. He looks pained, like this whole seeing me thing is hurting him just as badly too.

"Ashton," I finally reply after a moment. My voice sounds foreign, broken even. He steps forward and then shuffles back, like he's not sure if he's allowed to come near me or not. Truth be told, I don't know the answer either.

"Fuck, this isn't exactly how I pictured things when I left," He murmurs, the corner of his mouth curling upward slightly. My lips form a heavy frown and tears threaten to spill over again. I wish that I could be like the girls in the movies, the ones who tell the guys to 'fuck off' without any emotion what-so-ever. Instead, I'm me. I can't seem to say anything these days without crying or getting upset, it's all his fault.

"Yeah, me neither but I guess some of us find it easier to fucking forget about people, isn't that true?" I bite back viciously through my tears, trying to keep my water works under control. He winces at my remark and awkwardly grasps his elbow like he's lost for words.

"Lex, I-" He starts but I cut him off immediately.

"No, just save it. I don't want to hear it from you," I snap, turning on my heel to walk away from him. I need to get out of here now. I wish that I would have just stayed in Melbourne this weekend, I should have rearranged things the moment Calum called me to say they're coming home. "Do you have any idea what you've put me through, Ashton Irwin? No? That's because you're a selfish prick, y'know. You don't give a fuck about me, you don't give a fuck about anyone. So why don't you just go back to your perfect life and leave me alone, yeah?"