Heart Flutters; [afi]

[19]

"I DON'T CARE!" Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH, I'VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!"

"You do care," said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. "You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it."

― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

October 18th, 2014 || Age 20

"Well then! That was definitely not the home greeting that I expected after all this time!" Michael announces awkwardly after he and Luke approach Calum and I. I watch as Ashton takes off in the distance, his step quick and rigid. I pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration, angry at myself for letting my emotions about all of this get the better of me, angry that I kissed Calum back (really that I even let myself get that close to Calum in the first place), upset that I can't seem to figure out where the fuck I stand with Ashton anymore (am I single? Am I committed? Am I stupid?). The whole situation has reached a whole new level of complicated and despite the kiss that Calum and I just shared, he doesn't look remotely happy about it. In fact, he hasn't looked at me, or at any of us for that matter, since we broke apart.

Luke shifts awkwardly on his feet, his hands deep in the pockets of his ratty leather jacket. He finally reaches over and grabs me into a hug after a few minutes of staring at the ground, then at me, then back at the ground. I wrap my arms around him back, the past few months of missing all the boys hitting home.

"I'm sorry this shit is so fucked up," Luke whispers quickly into my ear before we pull apart. I nod quickly, my expression still numbed. I force a weak smile onto my lips as I glance up at Luke. He purses his lips in understanding and back away slightly, leaving a foot of room between us.

"Things are messed up, aren't they?" I sigh and rock back and forth on my feet. Michael pats my back then envelopes me into a hug, his hair nearly poking my eyeball out. I dodge quickly and hug him tightly, missing the familiarity of always having the boys all around. Sure, things were complicated at times because of the messed up love triangle I have with Ashton and Calum, but that doesn't mean that times were always bad.

"They could be worse, way worse," Michael says into my hair and then pulls away. Ashton's figure is now long gone in the distance and I ignore the pull my body has to chase after him, beg for him to let me explain why what happened with Cal happened. Yet on the other hand, my emotions are numbed and I can't care because he doesn't seem to care much about me anymore.

"Look, just-let's just put it all behind us right now and just enjoy the fact that we're actually seeing Lexi for the first time in forever," Luke beams and I shoot him a thankful smile. Calum finally makes his way forward, nibbling his lower lip nervously. Michael wraps his arm around my shoulders and we make our way out of the park, silently.

The sun beams down on my face and I shield my eyes from it, trying to see if Ashton's figure will return again. My heart is pounding so loudly in my ears that I can't hear what the boys are all talking about. All I can think about is Ashton, wondering why this all happened and why he seems to care so much when he didn't even call me at all the past few months. Calum's maintaining a healthy distance between the two of us, his hands jammed deep into the pockets of his skinny jeans. His eyes flicker up and meet mine for a fraction of a second but then he quickly diverts his gaze and slows his pace down so he's a bit behind the group.

Luke slows down and nudges Cal with his elbow, muttering a few words. Calum nods in response and mumbles something incoherent back, I turn my head and try to focus on the road ahead of me. I stumble slightly but Michael quickly braces me against his hip and helps me up.