Heart Flutters; [afi]

[15]

"Our plans for the future made us laugh and feel close, but those same plans somehow made anything more than temporary between us seem impossible. It was the first time I'd ever had the feeling of missing someone I was still with."

-Stuart Dybek

I listened to "Baby Come On" (the acoustic version) by +44 literally the whole time I wrote this chapter.

February 23rd, 2013 | Age 19

Ashton and I finally fell asleep at about 4:30 a.m. We spent the majority of the night, curled up in each other's arms, whispering things to one another. I confessed my fears and he confessed how much he loves me, overall it was like time stood still and I didn't have to think about him leaving. We could just stay in that moment for awhile, thinking about everything and nothing. His lips continuously peppered my skin with kisses, his hands roaming across my curves. It was healing in a sense, comforting.

I'm still hurt about Ashton not telling me and I'm even more hurt that he thought I'd hold him back. His words stung, like open wounds exposed to alcohol, but for today, I decided it's best to put it behind me. After all, he's leaving for a long time and I don't know the next time I'll see him. Calum's words continuously echo through the back of my mind but I shove them aside, Calum isn't my priority anymore and Ashton is. Things eventually grew heated between Ashton and I, we broke out into another small argument about how things are going to change.

Ashton, being Ashton of course, pulled me close, stared into my eyes deeply for a moment before kissing me with everything he had. I gasped under the movement of his soft lips, surprised that he's shutting me up with this gesture. I gradually loosened up and caved, letting myself get lost in the feel of his skin, the way his mouth tasted, the way his eyelashes fluttered against my high cheekbones. His fingertips tickled against my skin and I squirm as he slipped his hands underneath my thighs, lifting me up onto his lap. I shifted on his muscular legs as his hands roam up under my baggy knitted sweater, slowly dragging it up and over my head. The messy bun on top of my head loosens as his fingers pull away the tie, letting my hair cascade down along my back. He stopped for a moment and stared at me, his hands slowly moving up my pale skin, finally resting his hands on my cheeks.

"You're so so beautiful," He whispered and I smile shyly back before slowly leaning forward and planting a kiss onto his mouth.

But good things don't last forever, even if you want them to.

When I woke up in the morning, Ashton wasn't in bed with me. I groggily rubbed my eyes, wanting to get rid of the sleep clinging onto them. My room is empty, Ashton's clothes aren't on the floor, his shitty imitation Ray Ban sunglasses gone from my desk. My lip trembles slightly as I throw the blankets off of my body.

I jump out of bed, my hair tickling my face as I scramble for my clothing off the ground. I don't think I've ever thrown clothes on as quickly as I did right that moment. After I yank my pants on, I stop for a moment and take in a shaky breath. It's gotta be okay, Ashton wouldn't leave without saying goodbye, there's no way in hell he'd do that to me.

Right as I'm about to mentally break down into a huge fit of tears, I turn around and notice my window lock is unlatched. I sigh and mentally curse myself for being such an emotional basket case. I continually call myself an idiot with every step toward the window, finally whipping it open and climbing through.

Sure enough, Ashton's sitting on the edge of the roof, his long legs dangling off the edge as he watches the sun rise in the distance. He turns and shoots me a beaming grin, patting the empty spot next to him. He motions for me to sit, even though he knows I hate heights, and I willingly do so, biting back the tears that are ready to spill over. His eyes squint in confusion as he notices my expression and he pulls me close to him, cradling my head in the curve of his chest. He doesn't say anything and I can't bring myself to either, so instead I just wrap my arms around his torso and squeeze. It's hard, harder than I ever imagined it would ever be.