Heart Flutters; [afi]

[27]

"When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself."

-Deepak Chopra

February 20th, 2014 || Age 20

"Myocarditis is an inflammation of the myocardium, the middle layer of the heart wall. Signs and symptoms generally include chest pain, heart failure..."

I blink a few times and slam the medical dictionary in my lap, rubbing my eyes tiredly. It's midnight and I can't sleep yet again, another night left thinking and wondering what could happen next. After Ashton told me what's wrong with him, I've done nothing but study and read, wanting to know absolutely everything about his condition: from definition to treatments, symptoms to survival rates, transplants to heart anatomy. Every piece is another step of easing my mind, though it's been anything but.

Ashton keeps promising that everything's going to be okay. It's harder and harder for me to ignore his paling skin, dark eyes, and fatigue. It's like a piece of him is slowly lost every single day and it's killing me knowing that I missed all the signs before. It was easy at first, the doctors had told him that it all would have healed up easily on it's own in time, that it takes awhile but it's possible. However, they had neglected to tell him that there was a risk in it all, that there was a chance that his heart would steadily decline, that time meant years in their books.

I've been doing my best to support him, spend each and every day making him smile and laugh with me. It's hard sometimes, there's moments that I feel my smile falter against my will. There's been times where I've had to excuse myself a moment just to breathe, since the thoughts overwhelm my current thoughts and actions. It's like a black cloud above us and I can't help but feel angry that there's always something driving Ashton and I apart, despite what we want.

All I really want is Ashton to be healthy and happy, yet there's moments I can't breathe and need his reassurance through it all. I keep thinking about how much I love him, how he wants me to be strong because he isn't sure how, the boys have been amazing in supporting the both of us. Calum has decided to put his own feelings on the backburner for now.

He and Ashton still aren't on good terms but he apologized to him multiple times. I've decided to let it all go for now, ignore the past because Ashton is more important. Calum's been surprisingly supportive, helping out whenever he can when it comes to Ashton's family and my own. He's even helped me out when I've broken down, running his fingers through my hair and whispering reassuring words. Once upon a time, I would have rejected this, but recently, it's been enough to help keep me going for Ashton's sake, on the days that Ashton can't stay awake long enough to comfort me.

Paparazzi have been the hardest part to deal with. I've grown to learn how overhwhelming it is for the boys, constant lurking and photographs flashing. I've been questioned a few times about Ashton's lack of appearances. I've been too dumbfounded to answer, surprised that my identity is known to them. I've learned that twitter is a huge place for fans to talk and I've been a topic that's appeared multiple times, more than I would like.

I slip the book onto the floor, adding it to the growing pile. My head is pounding, like a hammer has been hitting it hour after hour. I pull the sleeves of my sweater over my hands and make my way to the kitchen, hoping that Kalen has left Tylenol in the cupboard for me. My fingers fumble as I reach for the bottle, knocking them onto the ground, scattering the red pills across the floor.

"Goddammit," I mumble through my fatigue, dropping down to silently pick up each pill. I sniffle to myself pathetically, popping two into my mouth as I continue.

I wonder how we've gotten here, what Ashton has done so wrong in his life to deserve this. Sure, he hasn't exactly been innocent throughout his whole life but he doesn't deserve what's happening to him. He's always helped out others, tried to make them happy before himself. It's like he's not allowed to find that for himself. I want to be selfish, hoping that I'll always be a part of that, but I'd still try and be happy for him if I couldn't be, if it just wasn't meant to happen.