Heart Flutters; [afi]

[25]

"The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept."
-George Carlin

January 13th, 2014 || Age 20
Calum buries his face into his hands, mumbling words that I can't even begin to understand. At this point, I'm not even sure if I care to understand him. I need to talk to Ashton, I need to figure out exactly what's going on and why it's happening. There's no way that Ashton could be.. dying. I mean, we're all fucking dying. But if Ashton's going to leave quicker than I am, then we need to have a talk.

I literally feel sick and I end up coughing and sputtering as I vomit into the bushes alongside Calum's house. Tears are pricking my eyes and I wipe my nose with the back of my hand, before staggering up onto my feet. This can't be happening, Calum has to be lying or something. Maybe Ashton's hypothetically dying, there's got to be some solution to all of this. I need to be able to wrap my head around it, there's always a logical explanation.

Then again, maybe this was Michael's plan. Michael wanted me to talk to Calum and end our friendship, maybe he knew that Calum would spill it all out to me so he wouldn't have to. As much as I'd love to deny the truth to his words, some part of me knows he isn't lying. The hospital visits and doctors appointments that Ashton had weren't a small coincidence, I just feel stupid for not realizing it all sooner.

"Lexi, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have said that, I'm just so fucked up right now and I don't know how to-" Calum pleads and I shush him. I wipe my eyes quickly and sniffle with a small, humorless chuckle.

"You're right, you shouldn't have said that. You have absolutely no right to throw that at me when it's Ashton's life that you're talking about. He should have been the one to tell me," I reply, my voice cold and hard. I want to be able to feel something, anything, but instead I feel numb. It's like every emotion in me is raging to the point that I can pinpoint exactly what I should be feeling. All it is is cold and painful, I need to find Ashton. I need to know the truth.

"I know I shouldn't have, it slipped," Calum murmurs, his eyes tearing up. "You shouldn't be here, you need to go."

"I need you to stop talking to me, Calum. I can't see you anymore, this is getting ridiculous already!" I exclaim, knowing that I'm taking my feelings out on the wrong person. If I'm getting upset, it shouldn't be at Calum. At the end of the day, he's only trying to protect me, just like Ashton was by not telling me about whatever's been going on the past few years.

"Look, don't take this out on me because you don't know what the fuck else to do!" He shouts, picking up another handful of pictures to throw into the fire. I watch as they crinkle into the heat, folding into nothing but little wisps of burnt paper.

"I'm taking this out on you because you're the one who decided to tell me this, it shouldn't have been you. It never should have been you!" I bite back, picking up my own handful of photos. I throw them at Calum, our smiling faces floating down to the ground. "You can't seem to fucking let things go and this is just another way for you to hurt whatever Ashton and I have! You can't stand seeing me happy!"

"Because you. Aren't. Happy!" He exclaims, grabbing my arms tightly in his grip. "You haven't been happy since he left, Lexi! He's ruining you and now he can't even give you the truth, don't you see that?"

We're both breathing heavy, the heat of the fire producing beads of sweat onto my skin. My face crumples and I begin to sob, falling down until my knees hit the grass with a thud. Calum follows, wrapping his arms tightly around me, making soothing sounds as he tries to calm me down. But the reality is that I don't know how I'm supposed to calm down, I don't know how I'm even supposed to be okay hearing this news. Ashton is my world, my life, even though I want to convince myself that I'm independent and okay, I know that a big part of me belongs with him. I can't ever give that up because of what we have, screwed up or not.