This Gray, Unfortunate Place (2)

37 - To The Girl I Led On

To the girl I led on- 

I didn't. 

I was scared, like drying paint 

on the walls, fogging my mind. 

Why? 

Because going through the letters

I wrote for myself, and never sent her,

they tell me that I'm a fallibly,

young adult. 

I didn't wanna burden her-

But now, I know, 

that I've made it out 

to be as though 

I rejected her-

Made her seem like

she wasn't worthy 

of a long-lasting guy

in her life,

and sometimes

sober, or not,

I miss the way 

we held each other

like nothing else,

in this whole, stinkin', 

bomb-droppin', gun-shootin'

world, could've ever

made more sense 

than when 

I was with her. 

But, oh well, ya see? 

'cause friends talk

and judge the boy

who doesn't walk the tightrope. 

Her hair could put me to sleep,

and her preoccupations with writing

were so, so, so dignifying. 

But if I tell her the honest truth,

I know that'll get me nothing 

but the boot. 

'cause, 'I didn't say it in time',

'cause, 'I should've been

more clear in my life',

'cause, 'she's moved on,

and now I'm just like

every other guy'. 

'cause, 'now I'm the idiot

who gets to know what it feels like

to be rejected

for the millionth time'.