I wasn't playing when I said Paris had one chance to be with me. I blocked him on everything absolutely everything and he even tried to get through to Stacy, I mean it's funny how he wants to be consistent now.
Does it even matter how I am anymore. I don't care why should you? I've been working non-stop, not allowing myself to sit down, and think about our situation, because I know that I'll only hurt myself.
I guess everything is fine externally. I don't have to smile on a runway so that's good. I forgot how to do that, even if I tried it would feel unnatural.
I've been doing photo shoot after photo shoot. I'm trying on all their new gear for summer and I've just been giving them so much material to choose from. Material being different poses and themes with the summer collection.
"We're ready for you." My photographer announced from the stage they had set up. I dipped a cotton ball into some orange juice to keep my stomach at ease.
The hunger came in waves. Sometimes I don't even remember what food is and other times it's beyond excruciating, but I lost the extra pounds I told you about, that's why I can do shoots now.
I have so much money but I always knew that the quantity would never make me happy. At least it helps with the stress of rent and other shit like that, I got it covered now.
Anyways these shoots are $256 an hour, I've been doing them for almost a week now. 40hours x $256 = $10,240. Yeah sounds about right, only at Balmain Baby.
Only at Balmain will you develope a crippling drug addiction and kiss away your natural right to eat.
Nothing happened between ohgeesy either. I actually drank some lean and passed the fuck out. I woke up 16 hours later and they drove me to the airport and now I'm back at NY.
Tonight's going to be different. I'll actually have the night all to myself. Mark took notice of all my extra work and rewarded me by giving me the night off. I would usually have to make appearances at parties all week long, but finally some alone time.
"That's a wrap Cam! It was a dream come true working with a girl who resembles my inner muse. You definitely have a career in the future, and I cannot contain my excitement for our next project together. " The photographer exclaimed. He's a big deal but I didn't focus on his name, just said my 'thank you' and left.
When you're on a bender, you can't focus on shit.
•
I watch the blood dry on my fingernails.
If you gather all the blood leaking from my nose, dry it, scrap it up and breathed it in, I bet you'd get as high as me.
I'm scared to even try and be sober.
I've got to stay high, I'm a busy women, I'm going and going, never stopping.
It's as if all my life I've been paralyzed waist down, but now I can walk, run, and jump. I reach my full potential when I fucked up.
I'm not nervous, I don't feel fear, it numbs me.
There is nothing I can't do to end this urge. It's to the point where my body depends on it as well as my mental state
Thinking about the strings attached to my body, and this drug controlling me, makes me resent myself. I never thought I'd never be that person but somehow knew it all along.
I want to throw myself over a bridge and feel my face break as it collided with that waters surface.. That would fill me with such pleasure because then I wouldn't be a model. I'd be hideous just like my insides.
I hate myself, I hate myself
I guarantee nothing is as empty as I am. I'm like a walking carcass.
My chest is hollow as I pull in air from my missing throat.
An unexpected contact consumed the entirety of my iPhone's screen. Post ?
"Hello? Austin?" I answered wondering what in the world he wanted. I'm not annoyed or anything, just genuinely curious, Austin never calls, only texts.
"Cam... Is everything alright?" Why would he ask me that? He never starts out calls that way. We have a thing, and this ain't it. Also his tone is off, now I'm suspicious.
"Yes, why wouldn't I be?" I bet Paris told him something was up.
"Just checking up darling? I miss you." I didn't say a thing. If you wait long enough he'll spill. "...I think you should call Paris, Cam. He's been delirious. Just text him or something I'm really worried about him." He confessed which elevated my irritation.
"I miss you too Austin. I saw you cut your hair, looking good. Miss the kicks though" His laugh was able to warm my heart up a little. "When are you coming to visit? You know the address."
"I'm super busy right now. Why don't you come to a show or something. I have a runways at Madison Square tomorrow. Come through. I'll get you and some guests into the after party."
"Big bettt. You think you can hook me up with one of your model friends."
"I can't work miracles."
"Damn like that Cam ?"
"Just like that." I laughed and we said our goodbyes.
I was going to go back to cutting up lines but the call was bothering me. Did Paris make post call me?
I have to know so I reach for my phone.
"Hell—" it's him! I panicked and my feelings get all mixed up so I just start yelling. "Did you make Post call me!! That's so fucking low- How could you?!" Silence was my reply. I felt him thinking about what I said on the other side and when he scoffed loudly. I knew he was pissed.
"Low?! Your the one who can't deal with shit like an adult, blocking me, ignoring calls. It's like you don't even care about my side of the story."
"I cared and all you could think of was you confusing her for me. That was pathetic!" I exploded and was far from sympathy.
"Are we just going to yell at each other till we stop breathing?" He asked and only then did I notice my volume.
"No." I simply answered. He's right this isn't a shouting competition. I'll remain calm as long as he does.
I didn't know hearing his voice would fill up my chest. My heart confused my mind since they were on different pages.
I know I should hate his guts, and that's what I'm displaying, but his voice makes me so damn happy. When he asked if we were going to keep yelling at each other, my heart actually ached. I hate making him feel bad, and his voice damn near made me cry.
"So did you make Austin call me?" I'm going to remain on topic so I have a reason to end the call. I had a question, all I need is an answer.
"Does it matter? Can we talk about us?"
"Just answer." I begged, my voice broke and I felt my chest pang. Let's just move on.
"Cameron, I love you. I loved you since the beginning and I made you a promise-"
"I have to go-"
"Cameron listen to me. I fucked up. I got drunk, Bris kissed me, she was telling me all about a crush she's had on me, and I kissed her back, maybe out of pity. I don't know. I-" I was trembling so bad the phone fell from my hand and raced down the skyscraper.
Paris only kissed her ? But- but she said...
