I Loved You So Much It Hurts
We just talked on the phone, and I told you how much You hurt me. You apologized but that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted change. I wanted you to change. I wanted it for myself but I wanted it for you more than anything because your ways will surely be the end of you.
We were good at first, because I still remember the way you giggled every time I tickled your ears. I still vividly remember your bright smile, how your long brown hair falls over your shoulders. It was years ago but it felt like yesterday.
I knew it was ending because whenever I told you that I love you, you'll keep quiet or change the topic and you can't imagine how much that hurt me. Your sisters told me that you were the nicest of them all but I know you aren't because no nice person can ever do what you did to me.
You are brutal but what do I have to say? I loved you and it didn't matter to you. I loved you so much it hurts but did you care? No. Why? Because while I was lying in bed, thinking myself into depression at 1 in the morning, you were wrapped around someone else's arms.
I don't know what you saw in him, but I guess whatever it was, I didn't have it. You loved him to the point of ignoring me and I was burning with jealousy. Jealous because I didn't have whatever he had and I was ready to kill for me to have whatever he had if that means you coming back to me.
I offered you the world, but you took it and threw that away. I offered you my heart and you broke it without thinking twice. You might not have noticed it, but I've lost everything when you stopped returning my texts with the same enthusiasm, when you stopped saying 'I love you' back or when you stopped looking me in the eye when you say it back. I knew it was the end but I didn't want to believe it.
I felt it deep in my bones that you were slipping away and instead of me letting you go like how any normal person would do, I held onto you so tight. I guess my stubbornness is why I'm always in pain. You told me once that 'my stubbornness will hurt me one day' and it did.
It did the day I refused to accept the idea that you were no longer mine. That even though your body was lying next to me, your soul and mind were else where.
So when I ended the call, I told myself that you are better off without me. That I should let go but my stubbornness got the best of me and I'm still holding on. Holding on to the thin thread of hope that you'll notice something. That you'll just for once, notice you left something important unfinished and come back. At least, for a proper goodbye.
But I guess I'll just keep on hoping. Till the day I moved on. But that day isn't today. Today, I'll lay on my bed, with a heavy heart and vision blurred with tears, wishing that we could be back to each other because for God's sake, I love you. What more do you want? But I know I'll never know the answer because you won't be here to answer my questions and it'll kill me. So I hope you have a good life and never experience the pain I experienced. Because that's just how much I loved you. Goodnight.
