I Hate You
I'm not bitter or anything. No, I'm far from it. I can't be bitter you know that. I can't even if I wanted to, it just doesn't suit me. It's something I don't wanna be. I don't why though, I still have a bitter taste in my mouth whenever I remember you. I didn't figure it till the other day.
I was taking an extra warm and long shower. I had my forehead on the wall while the water ran through my hair and down my back. I was thinking about you, about us. About how we didn't work out and why I still had that bitter bitter taste on my tongue, when it hit me.
It hit me that I wasn't bitter but I hated you, (hate is a strong word. It's the right word but still) because I remembered a conversation we had the last day we saw. You made it clear that an 18 year old isn't someone you want. A 24 year old, such as yourself, wouldn't date an 18 years old. You made me feel so useless.
You made me feel as if I wasn't wanted. That no matter what, no one's ever gonna love me if I wasn't a somebody and that I'll keep on being unwanted till I became someone. You compared me to yourself. Told me that when you were 18, you weren't thinking about love and at that time, I couldn't reply back because I was scared and in love.
Scared because you've inserted a phobia and insecurity in me that no one will love me for me unless I had something. In love because I could have done anything if it means staying with you. Now I look back at those days and I'm glad you didn't stay, because I didn't wanna be with somebody that'll keep me in constant fear of losing them.
I wished I replied you back then. I wish I back fired, but I didn't and I regret not doing it. You are a man, I am a lady. 18 years is enough for a lady to fall in love and be loved back, but noooo, you didn't want anything to do with me and said I was too young for all of this 'love' thingy and it hurt. It still does because I was sick for weeks after you declared me as someone you have no feelings for.
I hated the way you made feel scared, unsure of myself. I hated the way you made me feel useless and unwanted. I hated the insecurities and uncertainty about love and the world. I hated how you made me feel about myself for all those past months but most importantly, I hate you.
I hate you for making me feel bad about myself. I hate you for you turned me into this scared little thing that I was. I hate you for making me struggle with panic attacks and anxiety. I hate you for everything that I am now. I hate you, I'll never forgive you, remember this till the day you die.
