I'm Sorry
"Is it recording? Oh shit, it is. Uhumm, hey Mandy, how are you? Oh shit, it's a stupid question, of course you're fine. I mean, I saw you the other day and you looked awesome. I mean, you didn't notice me. Either that or you were you just ignoring me. Either ways, I'm glad we didn't talk because I wouldn't know what to say or how to react.
So, umm, I'm making this recording here with Alexander and June, they're all saying hi. I don't know if you'll ever listen to it. Well, you didn't listen to any of the recordings I send you so I doubt this would make a difference.
So yeah, the main reason I'm doing is to apologize. I'm sorry. I'm so so fucking sorry Mandy. I'm sorry I broke your heart, I'm sorry I left you. I was a coward. I hurt you so much that you started hating yourself for loving me. I am so damn sorry that I was the cause of your pain. The reason why you couldn't sleep at night. I'm sorry I was the reason you couldn't eat for weeks and your mum started talking to the therapist about your health. I'm sorry I made you go through hell.
I don't even know why I felt. Maybe I got cold feet. I don't know really. You were so happy when I first saw you and I wanted that happiness for me too. I thought that maybe if I get to know you, I'll know what it feels like to be happy. To be loved. I was so miserable I thought I couldn't be helped but I was wrong.
Meeting you changed my life completely Mandy. You were the sunshine and rainbow when I was nothing but an empty shell. You showed me that I could be happy. That real happiness is true, that it can be created. That happiness is self content and that it isn't just about love. It is about being satisfied with yourself.
But I couldn't do that. I wasn't satisfied with myself. I wasn't self contented because I felt you hanging. You let me in. You showed me your dark side too and I couldn't believe it because you seemed so happy and energetic that seeing that part of you was unbelievable.
I'm sorry Mandy. I know I'm a coward because I will never have the courage to say this to your face so this is the closest to a proper apology. I know no amount of apology would heal you but I could try.
You know, before we started dating years ago, I stalked you. I really did. I loved observing you because you gave me some sense of happiness even though you weren't mine. I still do that. I watched you go from happy to sad. I saw how dark circles formed under your eyes and how tired you looked. I observed from far. I always was an observer.
It broke my heart that I was the cause of it all. That I was the reason you were so quiet among your friends. They always ask you what's wrong but you'll brush it off and give them a fake smile. I don't know what happened but you stopped going to the cafe again. I stopped seeing you around and then suddenly, you moved. I was sad because I couldn't say anything to you.
I wanted to say I'm sorry. I wanted a proper goodbye but before I could gather all my courage, you were gone. I spent months trying to find you and then when I did, you were half way across the world.
I found you. After 2 years, 8 months, 23 days and 17hours. I finally found you. But when I did, you looked much better. Your shoulders weren't so tensed anymore. You looked happier. Your skin was brighter and you had that your bright smile back. I was happy. Really.
I was happy you moved on but I wanted you to know how sorry I was so I sent you a recording and I saw how your face fall and how you smiled so sadly. I thought you were going to listen to it but you opened a drawer and kept it there. You did the same to the second one and the next and the next but I still didn't give up.
I guess this would be the last time I'm sending you any recordings or messages because I know you're tired of my excuses. I'm sorry Mandy, I wish things turned out differently. I wish I never left. Thank you for letting me be part of your life. I'm happy I met you. Take care. Bye"
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