The Freak (mxm)

Chapter 26: When you can't scream

"Crazy people are the perfect subjects. They talk, nobody listens" (Shutter Island, by Dennis Lehane)

A/N: If you haven't seen this movie, I'd say go for it, it's sickkkk *_* It stars Leonardo Di Caprio as the MC, if you need any more incentives ;)

Warning: Self-harm. Please don't do it, IT NEVER WORKS. Learning how to love yourself is more difficult but much more rewarding. Anyway, enough with the lecture, Ghandi. Hope you still enjoy the chapter! 

NOUR'S POV

I don't hurt myself when I fail at something. 

I hurt myself when I almost win. 

When happiness seems completely out of reach, I don't feel so bad, because I know there isn't much I can do. However, when I almost reach happiness, but can't grab it and lose everything in the process, that's what hurts the most. 

The first time I cut myself I was in high school. I had a severe crush on Adrian, one of my classmates. He was the cliché of the nerd, a scrawny guy who blushed way too easily and seemed on the verge of collapsing every time he was forced to speak in class, although he was one of the top students. 

I guess he was bold too, in a sense, as he dared confessing his love to me. When he did, my heart exploded with the joy to find my love returned. I wanted to grab him and kiss him senseless. I wanted to take his hand and take him out on a date. I wanted to make him smile. I wanted to do all of these things but that's when I suddenly remembered where I was. 

I was in high-school, aka Hell on Earth. A place where tough guys don't date skittish shrimps, especially the males. 

So, I destroyed my only chance at happiness by rejecting him rather harshly. I can still remember his brown eyes filling with unshed tears.

Three months later, our head teacher told us that Adrian had been transferred to another school. A few days later, I learnt that he used to be badly bullied and that's why his parents decided to move out of town. 

I instantly knew I would never see him again. I could have make us both happy by simply following my heart's command but instead, I was stuck in a place where none knew the real me, where none really cared about me and I still had two years to go before going to college. But of course, I kinda deserved it. 

I was so angry at myself. The worst part was to know that even if I could go back in time, I would probably still have done the same, because I was a coward like that. 

I saw red. I wanted to scream in agony, but I knew that if my dad saw me, he would buy me a single ticket to the psychiatric institution. I am hardly exaggerating. That's what my dad does with his problems: he sends them away.

So, instead of screaming, I cut and God, it was such a relief at first. Obviously, once I was done, I felt like complete, utter shit. I was mortified. 

Right now, I want to do much worst than cutting myself. I'm currently standing in front of Rémy's closed bedroom. He doesn't know I am here but I can hear him talking on the phone. 

Believe it or not, he is talking to Renan. 

I don't know what they're saying, but Rémy doesn't seem mad at his ex boyfriend. Their conversation must be pretty serious, because they've been talking in hushed voices for a good twenty minutes.

What are they saying? Oh, love, I missed you so much. I can't wait to have you back in my arms?

Anyway, probably something very cheesy.