If Not For You(Sequel to IML)

{17} - Fights & Forgiveness

Baby girl😍 - Hey! Are we gonna face time?
Baby girl😍 - you dead Sanka?
Baby girl😍 - you must be asleep. Goodnight baby😘

———

Baby girl😍 - Hi! I miss you!
Baby girl😍 - I thought you'd be awake now
Baby girl😍 - did I do something?
read 9:16 am
Baby girl😍 - ignoring me? That's really mature
read 9:17 am

———

B - is Sebastian okay?
Ratface - as far as I know. Why?
B - he's ignoring me and I don't know why
Ratface - huh. He's been acting kinda weird since last night but I don't know what's up
B - hmm
B - okay
Ratface - I'll talk to him for you
B - you don't have to do that it's okay

———

"Oh he is still alive." Bethany said when she answered the call. Sebastian sighed.
"I'm sorry, baby girl. I had a long day yesterday and I-"
"What? You thought it'd be a great idea to ignore me?!" Bethany snapped. She took a deep breath. This wasn't the time to lose her temper. Not that there ever was a good time.
"No. I'm sorry. I just-I didn't-"
"Didn't what? Want to talk to me?"
"No! I didn't want to tell you I had a another slip up! I had a drink! A lot, okay! And I didn't know how to tell you!" Now Sebastian was getting upset.
"Baby. . ." She wanted to hold him and kiss him and tell him it would ok. "We talked about this. Talk to me about these things."
"I didn't want to make you upset!" Bethany raised her eyebrows.
"Because obviously I'm not upset now!"
"I didn't-I wasn't-baby girl-" Sebastian didn't know what to say. He didn't want to fight with her.
"Spit it out already!"
"What is your problem? I'm trying to explain!" And that, as it turns out, was not the best thing to say.
"What's my problem? What's my problem? Hmm, let me think. Maybe the fact that you fucking outright ignored me all day!"
"Do you know how hard it is to admit you fucking screwed up to the most important person in your life?! Because it isn't easy! I didn't know how to tell you I fucked up! It's-it's humiliating!"
"I do know! Having a panic attack every time I meet someone new or I have a fight with someone or any of the dozens of other things that cause them is embarrassing! I can't always bring myself out of them alone! And it's hard to tell someone I need help! But when I do need help I tell you! I share everything with you! No matter how humiliating or hard it is!" Bethany was on the verge of crying. Sebastian was speechless. "Do you know how much it hurts to know you feel like you can't tell me things?!"
"I'm sorry! Is that what you want to hear?"
"Yes! No! I don't know! I just-What happened to no secrets?!"
"I'm sorry! Baby girl-"
"Stop it! Stop apologizing until you actually mean it!" She wiped furiously at her eyes. "I can't do this right now!" She ended the call and Sebastian stared at his reflection in his phone screen. Outside his bunk Remington and Daniel shared concerned looks. They'd heard pretty much the entire conversation. Remington stood and walked down to Sebastian's bunk. He pulled the curtain back.
"I didn't mean to upset her." Sebastian said.
"You should have thought of that before ignored her all fucking day. She trusts you with everything, man! She needs to know you trust her!"
"I didn't ask for your advice!" Sebastian snapped before pulling the curtain closed and grinding the heals of his hands into his eyes.

———

Bethany stared at her phone as reality set in. They'd just had their first real fight. She'd yelled at him. Over something kind of stupid. She couldn't breathe. Her vision was getting fuzzy. She fumbled around in her nightstand, trying to find a cigarette. The carton was empty. She was hyperventilating and all alone. Her phone started ringing. Through her tears she saw Remington's face on her phone. She answered.
"B! B, it's gonna be okay. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes and focus on your breathing." Remington's voice was soft and calm. Bethany choked out a sob and closed her eyes. She was trying to do as he said, but every breath in seemed to get stuck. "B? I miss having you around, y'know? It's nice change of pace from the assholes I share a bus with. I really have come to see you as a sister. I love you, Benny. Y'know I used to struggle with anxiety a lot and get panic attacks a lot more often than I'd like to admit. I know it's hard sometimes to get through it. But you're strong, B. A lot stronger than you might think. You'll get through this." Bethany continued to cry, but her breathing was becoming more regulated. "I know Sebastian's a douche sometimes, but he's really upset right now. He didn't mean to make you mad. He loves you, B. Whether or not he's told you that, he does. And right now, knowing you're upset with him, is killing him. I understand why you're upset. I'm not trying to justify what he did, 'cos it was a douchey thing to do, but don't go to bed angry. Emerson's straightening him out right now, because I kinda sorta wanna rip his head off, but when he's done and you're ready you should talk to him." Remington sighed, "Sebastian has a hard time admitting he fucked up and that he needs help sticking to his goals and shit, to everyone, but especially to you." Bethany's breathing had returned to normal and she was no longer on the brink of passing out, but she was still crying. She wiped the tears off her face and sniffed.

———

"C-could I talk to him?"
"Yeah. Absolutely. One sec." Remington said. He walked down to the bathroom where Sebastian was still talking with Emerson. Remington held out the phone.
"It's B. She wants to talk to you." Sebastian took the phone. Emerson and Remington left him alone. He closed the bathroom door, wanting more privacy.
"Bumblebee, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ignored you and I shouldn't have gotten upset when you got mad. You have every right to be mad."
"I shouldn't have yelled. I just-I thought-" She took a deep breath and sniffed. "I thought you knew you can tell me anything. I'm here for you." Sebastian sighed.
"I know that. I do. I'm sorry. I-" he sighed again, "There's been more than one slip up." He sat down on the floor, not there was much space.
"It's okay." She said softly. Fuck. It hurt to know she cared so much and he'd been such a dick. "How many?"
"Four." He waited for the judgement he knew wouldn't come, but kind of wished would.
"Baby-"
"The first drink is the worst. I know I shouldn't do it and I almost manage to talk myself out of it, but I can't and then once I've had one drink it's easier to justify more. I already slipped might as well fall down the fucking staircase." They were silent for a few minutes.
"Why d'you do it?" She asked.
"I don't even know." That was a lie. He knew. He knew why he used to do and knew why he wanted to keep doing it. "I miss you. And being away for months at time gets hard. Phone calls and texts only do so much when all you want is to hold the other person in your arms. Drinking makes it easier." He rubbed his eyes.
"I'm sorry. If I could I'd come see you, but I do-"
"You don't have to be sorry. It's not your fault. I'm sorry. I'm the one with the job that keeps us so far apart."
"You don't have to be sorry either. You're living your dream, baby. You should never be sorry for that." He smiled a bit. "We can make this work. I promise."
"Promise." He echoed.
"When you think you need a drink call me, text me, talk to me. It doesn't matter the time I don't care. Please."
"I-"
"You have no excuses not to. Please."
"Ok." Bethany smiled.
"I-um-I found a therapist. I have my first session Thursday." Bethany said. "I've been really anxious about it. I bought a pack of cigarettes. The real kind and I smoked through the pack in two days." She sighed, "It's been really hard not to go out and buy more. I haven't yet, but every time I leave the house I fight with myself the entire time. I was gonna tell you earlier, but then you ignored me all day so. . ."
"Baby girl, I'm sorry. I want to make it up to you."
"You don't have to. Okay? I'm sorry too. We both said and did things we shouldn't have. We've apologized and forgiven each other, now we need to stop dwelling on it."
"Bumblebee, I swear I'm gonna make it up to you when I come home. I miss you, baby girl." He said softly. Bethany smiled.
"I miss you too. Only a little more than a month left and then you'll be home. Oh that reminds me, I haven't killed your orchid yet. Yay! Go me."
"Good job. Have you been staying at the apartment?"
"No. I don't like being there alone. I've been staying at the house with Juls. But I've been going over to water your orchid and maybe leave other plants."
"You bought me more plants?"
"Yeah."
"Are they all alive?"
"Hey! I'm doing my best, okay?" She laughed and he smiled. They would be okay. Somehow.
They talked until Bethany fell asleep with Daredevil beside her and both cats at her feet.

———

Hello!

I'm not dead! And I'm back from my break. Im not anyone will even care anymore, but I want to finish this and work on some of my old drafts. No promises on speedy updates but I'm ready to finish this book. I have it pretty much all outlined I just have to get it written. But you know two and a half years is a long time so be patient with me please. Stay tuned for more updates!

Avery