Today will be my day.

Chapter17

I cried the whole way home and for hours after. No one could get through to me and honestly I didn't want them to. The boys had been taking in turns to sit with me but I freaked anytime one of them tried to touch me so they gave up.

The only one who hadn't been in yet was Nath. Not that I expected him to but I was kinda glad he didn't. I didn't want him to see me like this. I texted Ash to come over once I had calmed down a little bit I guess I owed him an explanation at least.

The door slowly cracked open to reveal a slightly worried looking Ash carrying a bundle of junk food and behind him came Jj carrying my favourite white chocolate latte and a rather large slice of double toffee cheesecake; they must have gone to Mary's especially for this. Sometimes I love these boys. I offered them a soft smile.

"Jj wanted to do something for you, Diane said the best way was junk food so we went to the shop and brought all of this for you but when we came back Nath said your favourite was the cheesecake and latte so he went to get that for you." Ash said softly. "Nath asked us not to tell you though, he's still trying to pretend to be upset with you."

"Nath? Nath, is he okay?" I asked, shocked that he remembered my favourite cake.

"Lo, you don't need to worry about Nath. I'm going to leave now that we've brought your food in because I know you only wanted to see Ash." Jj said sadly as he leant down to hug me.

"No!" I pushed him away, "no, no, no. Please don't touch me." I broke into a fresh round of tears. "Don't leave."

Ash and Jj sat on the end of the bed, waiting for me to calm down.

"I'm so sorry." I spoke with the little voice I had left in me.

"Lo, you don't have to be sorry." Ash spoke softly as tough he was scared of breaking me.

"Yeah, you're clearly really hurt and upset by something. It's okay, really." Jj smiled half-heartedly at me.

"No, I need to explain." I stopped to compose myself. I held both of my hands out, signally to the two boys to take one each, which they did.

"I was fourteen and I had my first real boyfriend. He was my first crush, my first kiss, my first everything. Although not by choice." I paused to try and hold back the tears. The boys nodded encouragingly at me so I carried on. I told them a tale of an experience that no one should ever have to go through. An experience I went through.

"You are the first people, other than his mum, that I have ever told."

"His mum?" Jj asked, confused.

"Yeah, she found me about quarter of an hour after it happened, in their kitchen crying my eyes out and throwing plates at him."

After convincing them that I wasn't going to just crumble if they touched me, we had a group hug that lasted for what seemed like forever and I am now sure that I have made two real and supportive friends since being here. Not that I don't see the others as friends, just not as much as I now think of Jj and Ash.

After sitting in my bed in the spare room, eating all of the food and watching reruns of old TV shows for about three hours, we decided to call it a night. Jj left to go to his bed but Ash offered to stay with me to make sure I would be okay, which I couldn't really decline because I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep on my own anyway.

Lying in Ash's arms was nice, comfortable and warm. I felt safe. I felt like there was no way I would ever be hurt again. But it wasn't Nath. No matter how nice it was to sleep completely embraced by Ash it just wasn't the same as Nath. I knew then that I had to suck it up and go talk to him. I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep with Ash but I couldn't. Every time I started to drift of to sleep I would picture his face and the hurt that would cover it as he somehow found out that I had told Jj and Ash before him. I know he's upset with me but he remembered my latte and cake right? And, Ash said Nath was the one that went and got it for me right? Maybe he cares, right?

Slowly, I manoeuvred out of Ash's arms and disentangled my legs from his. He is definitely a cuddler. I took a detour to the bathroom before going to Nath. I did my business and as I was washing my hands, I made the mistake of looking in the mirror. I looked awful; I mean is it even possible for someone who has just been crying for hours to look remotely decent? Well, even if it was I don't know how that would happen. My face was completely pale and covered in tear tracks. My eyes were read and swollen. My lips were dry and cracked. My hair was dishevelled and looked like a matted mess. All in all I looked like utter shit.

I splashed my face with warm water, trying to make some colour come back into it. I found my favourite lip balm and smothered my lips in it to soothe them and shoved what I could of my hair in a hairband. I've never been one to worry about how I look but right now I had to do something because I just looked ill. I looked like I was completely and utterly ill and it was horrible. I would probably give Nath nightmares if I turned up in his room in the middle of the night looking like that.