Today will be my day.

Chapter18

"Nath?" I asked softly from his doorway, my voice sounding sore and croaky.

"Hm." His short answer made me drop a bit of confidence and I wondered if there was any point in going through with this. "Lo, are you okay?" His tone proved that he did care, installing that little bit of confidence back in me.

"Not really." I stood still in the doorway, trying to gulp down the tears that were threatening to surface. I heard him rise out of his bed and softly pad across the floor to me. He reached out to hug me and I tensed. Nath felt it and pulled away slightly but kept an arm around my shoulders and lead me over to his bed.

This is it, I thought to myself. We had wound up sitting opposite each other on his bed. Cross-legged, hands tightly clasped together, eyes boring into each other.

"I don't know how much you know already about my breakdown today." I started, pausing for his reaction.

"Only that Nick upset you to the point that you haven't stopped crying since." He answered, grinding his teeth as he did so.

"I'll start at the beginning." I stopped to compose myself. "I was fourteen, I had my first boyfriend. He was my first crush, my first kiss, basically my first everything. Josh. His name was Josh. One evening I had gone back to his house from school, he said he was stressed about his exams and stuff and asked me to help him revise; I didn't think anything of it because we had always been close friends, even though he was a couple years older than me. His mum and dad went out for the evening and his brothers had gone to some party so we were alone. I was asking him questions about physics, even though I didn't know any of it myself." I paused and gave a nervous, humourless laugh.

"Lo, whatever it is has clearly hurt you. You don't have to tell me." Nath smiled at me as though he could feel my pain.

"No, I want to tell you. I want to trust you." Nath nodded in response so I carried on. "I was lying on the sofa with the question cards and he was sat on the floor surrounded by books. The next thing I know he had climbed on the sofa, on top of me. He started to kiss me, which was nothing new, we had had plenty of make out sessions like that but this was different." I paused to gulp down the tears. Nath gave me a reassuring look and squeezed my hand supportively.

"His hands, they were just everywhere. They wouldn't stop. Then it all stopped. He picked me up and carried me to his bedroom. He placed me down on the bed and disappeared for a while, I was confused but he came back and there was something different about him. He climbed back on top of me and the make out session continued. His hands started again and I got really nervous. I tried to stop him, I really did. But his hands...they were just so persistent. He tried to take my top off and that was when I made him stop. I kicked him where it hurt and tried to scarper. He chased me. When he got me..he..he grabbed me really roughly and wouldn't let me go. He started to shout in my face about how...how I was his an...and how no one else would love me. I was scared. Nath, I was so scared." I stopped as my voice cracked and took a second before I continued.

"He dragged me back to his room and slammed me on his bed. He climbed on top of me again, pinning my body down with his. I was frozen, completely frozen. His hands started again. He was kissing down my neck and anywhere else he could reach. He started to pull off my clothes. I cried. And he...well he...he raped me." By now there were tears streaming down my face but I had to continue.

"He finished and left to go back downstairs. I cried for a little while longer. But then anger took over. I was angry at him for what he had done and I was angry at myself for letting him. I went to put my clothes on but they were ripped and felt dirty, so I went into his brothers room and found some clothes. Knowing full well it would piss him off. I got cleaned up and dressed and went downstairs. I could hear him in the kitchen so that's where I headed. I didn't want him to think he had beaten me. I walked in there and without looking at me he announced he had made me a coffee and going to bring it up to me. He turned around and gave me the cup, he noticed I was wearing his brothers clothes and he started to get angry about it. I didn't even think. I just threw the cup of burning coffee right at him. I didn't stop there. I picked up anything and everything I could get my hands on and just threw it at him. The entire time just screaming. I can't remember what it was that I was screaming at him but I know it must have been horrible. It was then that his parents decided to come home. I was throwing plates and the kitchen was looking a mess, I probably looked just as bad. I can't really remember much about what happened after that. I was exhausted, his mum comforted me and I had my first but not last emotional breakdown. I remember her face when I told her that her son was rapist. She didn't want to believe it but she did. Until tonight she was the only person that knew. I told Ash and Jj earlier when I was crying on them and now you know too and I just...well that was why I freaked when Nick grabbed me and shouted in my face earlier. It just brought back all the memories that I had tried so hard to suppress."

"Lola. I'm sorry you had to go through something like that. Sweetheart, if I had just been there. I just can't believe that you are so strong and confident after going through something like that. I admire you." Nath was starting to get emotional now.

"Nath, I didn't even know you at the time, it's not your fault. I guess you've all learnt the hard way that I don't like to be grabbed." I tried to humour myself but couldn't.

I collapsed into Nath and he pulled us under the duvet. He held me tightly but carefully, as if he didn't ever want to let me go but at the same time he didn't want to risk breaking me. How can you break something that's already broken?