ader

love, u

i was scrolling online when i saw a post you retweeted. the post goes like we all deserve assurance and consistency

for a moment i silently laughed while looking at the post

consistency and assurance, huh?

ironic because it was you who retweeted it. for all the days i've been talking to you i think i was the only one giving you the assurance you wanted, the consistency you wanted yet everyday you gave me a reason to stop that nonsense. every night before i go to sleep i think to myself, "have i made him happy today?" and to be virtually honest i don't even think nor care if i really do still love you because it doesn't really matter.

i've accepted the fact that i can't bring what we were before back. i know that eventually you'll get sick of the day to day routines and end up looking for someone else. even if you don't, i still know that probably i or you would find someone new.

why do i still put it up with you? maybe because you're right. maybe i still really love you all this time. i can never say this situation doesn't hurt, but now i guess it hurts less because i've actually got used to it.

every single day i try to become a better version of myself, to lessen the toxicity within my cells and try to be a blessing in someone's life. slowly i'm trying to pick up the pieces of me and glue myself back together. i'm facing reality and that reality doesn't include us.

i know i should be mad at you for giving me false hope, i know i should've stopped talking to you because it's for my own good but i don't because i thought and i'm still hoping that you are the exact person i met exactly a year ago. the same person i met that stood by his words, stood for what is right, stood for what is best. i'm not anymore looking for someone that would love me back because of all the problems and worried i'm facing, love would be the least that i need.

i'm happy, well i think i am that's for sure. i'm not bitter and it kind of surprises me. i actually appreciate and am really glad that i've met you. i thought those "he'll teach you a lesson" shit only existed in books but here i am living to it's reality. it wasn't really all in vain because you taught not only one but a lot of things to me with regards on how i should deal with life. you taught me love and you taught me how to move on without being in vain for the pain i felt. indeed the journey was irreplaceable and so as to my memories with you.

this isn't goodbye, if that's what you're thinking. i'm actually just writing my thoughts because i'm actually kinda happy with our "relationship". we aren't lovers, we aren't more or less of it either. we're friends and not more or less of it. in reality it's not the "friends with sweetness" type of friendship. maybe it's the "i'll be here if you need me" type. we don't talk every hour of the day but i know that you'll be there when i need you, i'm always here if you need me as well.

i just hope that if ever things get extra stretched out, you'd never forget me. even though ironically you're actually practicing the entire thing now.

i'm praying that one day, you'd find the girl you always dreamed of. you'd find the girl that wouldn't lie to you, that would do her best not to hurt you and most importantly, find the girl who'd love you with all her heart because up til now, maybe i still do.

this isn't some kind of farewell i'm letting you go crap. maybe some sort of open letter because i'm happy that you're finally happy. from the very start you know i only wanted you to be happy because for all the things you've done for the people around you, it's what you whole heartedly deserve.

i'm not writing for the past nor present anymore. i'm writing for the future because i'm sorry and maybe the future me will be too. i'll always love you and you know my love. it's not the relationship love nor the friendship or sister love. i don't know where to categorize it but i guess you know where.

one day i'll let you go, one day it wouldn't hurt as much. maybe one day i'd realize that it's really just up to here, nothing more and nothing less. don't worry, i'm trying. for my own good, i try every single day. please don't make it harder for me, please say what you want to say. please talk because i'm already giving up. i loathed quitters because i stood with my words but then again, i couldn't risk my happiness for someone who isn't willing to accept it. maybe it's just better to grow separately. we aren't siamese twins to be constantly together. technically in my defense
this is not giving up, maybe i just accepted the fact that things aren't really meant to be for us. that there are things that maybe time couldn't even glue together.

maybe i'm just being dramatic? maybe i'm just overthinking? i don't really know but i'm trying to be brave by typing this whole thing up. i know this isn't bravery but i know my friends would read this and eventually guess who i am. i guess some of you will be finally be reading my part of the book.

author's note:

your silent classmate finally came out of her shell. wishing you all the love and happiness because you deserve it! ciao (*´∀｀*)♡