how to become a wildfire

catalyst

TW for mentions of physical/sexual abuse & drinking

_____

catalyst \ ˈka-tə-ləst
noun
: an agent that provokes or speeds significant change or action

.

vi
april

.

"Ellie?"

Gray freezes. He hasn't heard that name in years, and he wonders if he pretends he didn't hear it, whoever said it will go away. It's wishful thinking, though, and soon there's a hand on his elbow and a set of bright green eyes looking at him inquisitively.

Oh, fuck.

It's Natsu.

"God, sorry, you just looked like—" Natsu frowns at Gray, tipping his head to the side, and Gray can tell he's searching for a girl he used to know. "It is you," Natsu says after a minute, nearly spilling his drink when someone jostles him from behind.

Gray catches him, grabbing his forearms to keep him from falling. The touch sends a shock thought him and the terrified part of his brain screams this is dangerous, Joel's going to find out.

"It's, uh... it's Gray, now," he says, leaning back against the bar with his hands still resting awkwardly on Natsu's forearms. Natsu blinks at him a few times, and Gray can tell that he's definitely had a few drinks.

"Oh," Natsu says after a second. "That's awesome, man, I—I didn't... sorry, it's just been so long."

It has been. Five years can be a lifetime.

Gray finally lets go of Natsu's arms and turns back to the bar, grabbing the shot the bartender has brought him and tossing it back quickly. It joins the rest of the liquor flowing through him, the hot buzz of electricity that's pushing away the fear.

Joel's out of town. He doesn't have to find out. He's far away, and Gray needs this.

"What are you doing here?" Gray asks, and he means h e re in Crocus , because as far as Gray knows, Natsu still lives far enough away that Joel doesn't have to work very hard to keep them apart.

Natsu grins and points over at a table of people Gray doesn't recognize.

"'s my friend Sting's bachelor party," Natsu says, leaning in closer. He's got those freckles across his nose that Gray could never keep his eyes off of, and Gray desperately wants to run his fingers across them.

Gray looks at the group and back to Natsu, then down at his hands.

He should go home.

"Wanna join us?" Natsu asks.

_____

An hour later, Natsu's got Gray pinned to the wall in the alley behind the club, hands tight around his wrists, lips pressed to his neck. Gray's fingers are twisted in Natsu's hair, and he's making soft sounds as Natsu grinds against his thigh.

There's a voice in the back of Gray's brain that's screaming get away, he could hurt you, but it's drunk and deadened and he just wants to fucking feel something.

Look, Joel, he thinks. I can destroy myself just fine without you.

"You sure your... nnhnn, your friends aren't gonna miss you?" Gray asks, gasping as Natsu drags sharp teeth down his neck. Natsu shakes his head.

"They're not gonna remember tonight anyway," he says against Gray's skin. "But I wanna remember you."

Gray closes his eyes and it's like they're sixteen again, except Gray's wearing a dress and his name is Ellie and they're in the back seat of the car Natsu borrowed from his dad. The sun is bright and hot and Natsu's kissing Gray's cheeks and slipping a hand between his legs.

The memory is ripped away when Natsu grabs Gray's hip and Gray hisses in pain.

"Sh-shit, sorry, I didn't..." Natsu jerks back but Gray shakes his head, then grabs Natsu and switches positions, shoving him roughly against the wall.

"'s fine," he says. He puts Natsu's hand back over the bruises, squeezing it tightly until it hurts more than the ache in his chest.

Gray's head is spinning as he kisses Natsu, hard, then drags his hand down to the bulge in Natsu's jeans. Natsu moans, biting down on Gray's lip and grinding up into his palm. When Gray starts unbuckling his belt Natsu's legs shake a bit, and Gray hoards the feeling for later.

Right now, he's powerful.

Right now, nobody can hurt him but himself.

_____

They end up back at Natsu's hotel room, barely separating from each other as Natsu slides his card into the lock and pushes the door open. Gray pushes Natsu down onto the bed and they both scramble to tug off their clothes and toss them to the floor.

"Fuck, you're hot," Natsu whispers, and he reaches for the bedside lamp but Gray shakes his head, moving up and pinning Natsu's wrist to the bed. There's a thin sliver of moonlight spilling through the window that highlights Natsu's wide eyes, and that's enough.

Gray kisses Natsu, settling himself over Natsu's hips. Natsu's cock is hard against Gray and he grinds down, dragging sinful sounds from Natsu's lips. "You have a condom?"

Natsu groans and pushes his hips up against Gray, and Gray can feel him nodding and gesturing to the bedside table. As Gray leans over, Natsu pushes himself up on his elbow and kisses Gray's stomach.

"You sure?" he asks, running his fingers up Gray's back. "We can just... make out, it's okay, it's been..." Gray stills, focusing on the sensation of Natsu's fingertips against his skin. "C'mere."

Gray doesn't realize he's shaking until Natsu's holding him, stroking his hair and kissing his forehead.

"What's wrong?" Natsu asks, and his voice is too soft, too gentle. Too curious.

"'m fine," Gray insists, trying to push Natsu away. He needs this – needs to take control again.

"You're not," Natsu says gently, and for a second, Gray wants to cry, wants to let it all go and melt into Natsu's arms and tell him I'm scared, he's dangerous, save me.

Instead he shoves Natsu away, rolling to the side of the bed and grabbing his clothes. Natsu makes a confused sound but Gray shakes his head as he yanks his shirt back on.

"Shouldn't be here," Gray says, trying to harden the edges of his voice.

"I'm sorry," Natsu says, reaching out to touch Gray's shoulder, but Gray shrugs off his hand and stands up.

"I have a—a boyfriend." He tries to keep his voice from breaking. "This was a mistake, I... I just had too much to drink."

He can't look at Natsu's face, because if he does, it's all going to fall apart and keep on hurting and hurting.

"I didn't—"

"I have to go," Gray whispers, then turns and runs out the door, trying not to think about gentle kisses and sad, green eyes.