how to become a wildfire

suspicion

TW for discussion of abuse/emotional reactions to abuse, suicidal thoughts

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sus·pi·cion | \ sə-ˈspi-shən
noun
:  a state of mental uneasiness and uncertainty

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xi
july

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"How many times do I have to block these goddamn assholes?"

Lucy tosses her phone down on the table in the break room, and Gray peeks over to see a toll-free number flashing across the screen. He frowns, taking another bite of his sandwich and pulling his legs up under him on the chair.

"Who is it?"

"One of those stupid scams," Lucy grumbles, pulling her hair back into a ponytail, then grabbing her coffee from the counter. "You've won an all-expenses paid vacation, blah, blah." She rolls her eyes, then picks up the phone and opens up her call history. "I've blocked like... eight different numbers, but they keep finding new ones."

Gray watches as she taps the number, then scrolls down and clicks 'block.'

His stomach twists, like the floor's disappeared from beneath him and he's in free-fall.

"Anyway," Lucy says, tucking her phone back in her pocket. "Are you and Joel coming to the barbe c ue next week?"

The words are just background noise to the sudden jumbled mess in Gray's mind. A hundred thoughts float through his brain, and he jumps so quickly from surprise to suspicion to disbelief that it's almost dizzying. Eventually he settles on unease.

" Graaay ." Lucy waves a hand in front of his face and he blinks, shaking his head. "Dude, you're so out of it lately. You okay?"

"Fine," he says automatically. "Just tired."

Would Joel seriously... no. That's ridiculous.

"How's your shoulder?" Lucy asks, and Gray forces himself to focus on their conversation.

"Better," he says carefully. It seems like an innocent question, but Lucy is sharp. Gray knows that she suspects something, but they're both good at pretending.

Some days, Gray can almost convince himself that everything is fine. Natsu's gone – they haven't talked since that day at the beach, and Gray's spent the last few months shoving the hurt and longing deep down where he doesn't have to feel it.

Gray is loyal to Joel. Joel loves him. Joel takes care of him.

"You get the car fixed?" Lucy asks, swirling the dregs of her coffee before draining the cup in one long gulp. The AC rumbles in the background as it kicks into high gear – the summer has been sweltering, and Gray's already wishing it was September.

He blinks at Lucy's question, and she frowns at him. "The car," she repeats. "You got rear-ended? Joel said the bumper was cracked."

Oh, Gray thinks.

"Yeah," he lies. "Insurance got figured out."

The car is just fine. Nobody rear-ended them. Joel had been driving and yelling, and had slammed on the brakes hard enough to lock the seatbelt and bruise Gray's shoulder. He'd said later that it was because he saw a cat crossing the street.

Gray wants to believe him.

Eventually, Lucy's break is up and she heads back to the front of the restaurant. As soon as she disappears, Gray pulls his phone from his pocket. The only notification is an e-mail from the grocery store savings program, and he numbly swipes it open and deletes it.