how to become a wildfire

courage

TW for discussion of abuse/rape/noncon

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cour· age | \ ˈkər-ij
noun
: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty

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xviii
november
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Gray doesn't talk on the way to the hospital. All he can do is grip Natsu's hand as hard as he can and focus on not throwing up again. He's cold and sore and exhausted, and no matter how far he presses himself back into the seat, he still feels exposed and defenseless.

When they pull into the ER parking lot, Gray lets go of Natsu's hand and wraps his arms around himself. "I'm sorry," he whispers as a wave of guilt washes over him. "I didn't—I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," Natsu says gently as he turns off the car and turns to look at Gray. "I'm really proud of you. I know you weren't ready."

I was never going to be ready, Gray thinks.

Gray tries to pull in on himself, but everything aches and he winces, shifting uncomfortably. He can feel Natsu studying him out of the corner of his eye, and Gray wishes he could disappear.

"We need to get you checked out," Natsu says after a minute. Gray reaches up and tries to pull his torn shirt back into place to cover up the red marks on his neck.

"'m fine," he says automatically, but his voice is raspy and he starts to cough. His throat hurts so badly that tears well up in his eyes.

"No, you're not," Natsu says, reaching out and putting his hand between them – an offer, not a demand. Gray doesn't take it. "Gray, it—"

"He didn't mean to," Gray interrupts, because that's what he's always said, and if it's not true, then that means that...

"Yes, he did," Natsu says, voice gentle but firm. "It wasn't an accident, and I know that you know that."

Gray groans, pressing his forehead to the window. He's so tired, and all he can think about is Joel waking up without him, wondering where he is.

"I... this was a mistake," he whispers, and he can't stop himself from shaking, no matter how hard he tries. The words are spilling from them and they aren't even his. They're Joel's words, even here, even after Gray has left. "I have to go back, I have to—I can make it right."

Natsu shakes his head. "You can't make it right," he says, "because you didn't do anything wrong."

Tears spill down Gray's cheeks and he wipes at his face, wincing when he brushes over his bloody nose. Everything hurts, and he's trying so hard to push it away like he always does, but he can't. It's all raw and ragged like the edges of the cut from the bar fight, but there's nothing he can do to stitch it back together.

He swallows, then reaches out tentatively and takes Natsu's hand.

"I'm so, so glad you texted me," Natsu said, running his thumb over Gray's fingers. "I know you're scared, and I know you think you should go back, but he could have killed you."

"He wouldn't," Gray whispers, but the words are weak and he doesn't believe them.

"Maybe not tonight," Natsu says. "But he's dangerous, and you deserve better."

Gray takes a shaky breath, looking between Natsu and the pale white of the neon sign for the emergency department. If he goes in there, if he tells them, he can't go back.

"Gray, look at me," Natsu says, squeezing his hand. Gray wants to be stubborn and keep staring out the window, but Natsu's voice is so soft that he can't help looking over. "There you go." The smile Natsu gives Gray makes him feel a little bit less lost. "I know this is really hard and scary, but I'm gonna be right here with you for as much as you want me to be, okay?"