how to become a wildfire

belief

be·​lief | \ bə-ˈlēf
noun
: a state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing

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xxii
december

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Some things get better, some things get worse, and some things stay the same.

Gray and Natsu are both still staying with Sting and Rogue, which is more comfortable than Gray expected it to be. He'd planned on going back with Natsu after Joel's trial, but the idea of being alone in an apartment with someone – even if that someone is Natsu – is terrifying. Here, Gray's never alone, and for now, that's what he needs.

He tries to go back to work. Lucy cries with relief when she sees him, and when they hug, Gray suddenly realizes how much he'd missed her. It's nice to spend time with her in the break room – even if they don't talk about what happened – but the work is too much. There are too many loud noises and too many people accidentally touching him, and when Gray calls Natsu to pick him up halfway through the shift, he wants to cry.

Everyone tells him that it's okay, that he's healing and can take all the time he needs. They're so patient with him that he wants to scream.

"I don't understand," he tells his therapist when he's curled up on her couch with a cushion pressed to his chest. "I should... I feel like I should be happy that they're so nice, but I just get angry."

He's angry so often that it scares him. Sometimes he screams into the pillow and cries until he falls asleep. Other times he digs his fingernails into his palms or bites the inside of his lip until it bleeds. More often than he'd like, he yells at people – snapping in frustration and then locking himself away when the guilt hits him like a wave.

Nobody ever yells back, and sometimes he wants them to.

"You're pushing," his therapist says. "You want to see how much it will take for them to snap and hurt you, because that's what you're used to."

Gray's cheeks burn with shame because she's right. He should be thanking them, should be grateful, but instead he tests the waters.

Sometimes he doesn't do the dishes when he says he will, but Rogue just does them instead, or gently asks Gray to help while he's making supper. Other times he leaves his clothes on the floor, and instead of yelling, Natsu just piles them on his pillow and teases him about it when he tries to go to bed. One time, when Gray is making breakfast, he burns the toast on purpose, but Natsu eats it as if nothing's wrong, even thanking Gray and kissing him on the forehead.

"You're re-learning boundaries," his therapist tells him. "It takes time."

And everyone else is trying, so Gray does too. On good days he goes for walks with Natsu and Bella, or plays chess with Rogue, or helps Sting with shoveling and cleaning the garage and hanging the Christmas lights. It feels good to be useful – like he's doing something right instead of wasting everyone's efforts on him.

The holidays are chaotic and a bit overwhelming. Erza and Jellal visit for Hanukkah, and then Sting invites Lucy and the twins for Christmas dinner. Gray tries his best – he wants to be okay, wants to feel like everything is fine – but he ends up spending a lot of the time holed up in the guest room with Bella.

"You're surviving," Rogue says one afternoon. It's the day after Christmas, and the two of them are sitting on the steps of the front porch, drinking hot chocolate while Sting and Natsu wrestle each other in the snow.

"Yeah," Gray says quietly. He watches Natsu shove a handful of snow down the back of Sting's shirt, laughing as Sting retaliates by pushing Natsu's head into the snowbank. Bella barks at them, dancing around their battle and wagging her tail enthusiastically.