how to become a wildfire

fear

TW for verbal/emotional abuse and depressed/implied suicidal thoughts

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fear \ ˈfir
noun
: an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger

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vii
april

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Gray is several blocks away from the hotel when he realizes that he forgot his jacket, and he has no idea where he is. They had taken a cab from the bar, and Gray had been too busy kissing Natsu to focus on where they were going. The streetlights blur together as he looks around desperately for something familiar.

His phone starts to buzz in his pocket and a wave of panic rushes through Gray as he ducks into a side alley and looks down at the screen.

Incoming Call – Joel

"Shit," he whispers.

Gray's hands shake so badly that he nearly drops the phone. He can't answer – Joel will hear that he's wasted and find out that Gray's not at home. But if Gray ignores the call, it might be worse.

The terror and intoxication and guilt all hit him at the same time, and he turns to the side and throws up on the ground. Rough brick scrapes against his bare arm as he leans heavily on the wall, retching and choking until nothing comes up but bile. It burns the back of his throat and his eyes water so badly he can barely see.

His phone buzzes again with a text – Answer your phone. Two seconds later it starts ringing again, and Gray groans, tipping his head back against the wall and hitting 'accept.'

"Hey," he says weakly, trying his best not to slur his words. The ground feels like it's moving underneath him and he swallows hard, focusing on a crack in the brick across the alley.

"Why didn't you answer the first time?" Joel's voice is hard and sharp, and Gray swallows back tears, wiping his face. "I've been texting you all night, what the hell is going on?"

"I'm sorry," Gray says, squeezing his eyes shut. He's sure Joel can hear his pounding heart through the phone.

"Where are you?"

A million answers run through Gray's mind. He can't say he's at home – Joel can probably hear the traffic from the street, and he'll ask Gray to prove it by taking a picture of himself. But if Gray says he's out, and he sounds drunk...

"I just left the drugstore," he lies, trying to keep his voice from shaking. "I was—I don't feel good. I think I have the flu so I went to get some Gravol." There's silence on the other end of the line, and Gray quickly adds, "I'm sorry, I was asleep, I didn't see your texts."

"Your phone is supposed to be on," Joel says, but some of the sharpness has melted away from his voice.

"I left it in the living room," Gray says, taking a step back from the puddle of vomit at his feet. His stomach roils and he bites the inside of his cheek to keep from throwing up again. "I'm sorry."

Joel sighs, and Gray can picture the disappointed look on his face. "I was worried about you," Joel says, and his voice is suddenly soft and concerned. "Don't scare me like that, baby. I didn't mean to get mad, you just worry me. I care about you."

Part of Gray believes him. It is his fault – he shouldn't be lying, shouldn't be out drinking, shouldn't be making out with his ex-boyfriend while his current boyfriend is out of town.

A quiet, sad part of him whispers, you deserve better. You shouldn't have to be afraid.

"I'm sorry," Gray says again.