how to become a wildfire

abide

abide \ ə-ˈbīd
verb
: to endure without yielding

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xxi
december

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As much as Gray feels like everything has changed, the world goes on.

He's not surprised when Joel pleads 'not guilty,' and at first, Gray thinks he'll never be able to testify. But he has help and support, and when he's finally there in the courtroom, he doesn't even look at Joel.

Later that night, when he cries, it's not with fear – it's relief. Natsu holds him and kisses his forehead and they spend the night talking quietly about small, soft things that fill Gray with hope.

Winter comes, and with it, colorful lights and gifts and a light dusting of snow that melts as soon as it hits the ground. The house fills up with garlands and candy canes, and Sting bakes enough cookies to feed twelve people, never mind four.

It's two weeks before Christmas, and Natsu and Gray are lying on their bed with their legs tangled together. Bella's curled up against Gray's stomach and he's flipping aimlessly through his phone while Natsu reads a book behind him.

"I miss my mom," Gray says suddenly. Natsu doesn't reply, just sets his book down on the nightstand and waits. Gray sighs, tipping his head back into Natsu's lap and looking at him upside-down. Natsu's reading glasses make him look younger than he actually is.

"I haven't talked to her in a long time," Gray says after a while. He runs his fingers through Bella's fur and chews on his lip. "They... Joel said they wouldn't accept me. I thought he was protecting me, but..."

"Do you wanna call them?" Natsu asks, running his fingers through Gray's hair.

Gray sighs, covering his face. "They don't know," he says.

"About what?"

"About... me. Gray." He peeks up at Natsu. "They still think I'm Ellie."

Natsu runs his finger over the scar on Gray's forehead. "I talked to them once," he says. Gray frowns at him. "I... it was maybe a year after you moved away. I thought maybe they'd heard from you."

Gray shakes his head, tugging a pillow into Natsu's lap and curling up to face him. "I sent them letters, for a while," he said. "They didn't write—fuck, they probably did, he just threw them out."

A flash of fury runs through Gray and he digs his nails into his palms before closing his eyes and letting out a deep breath. Helen – his therapist – keeps telling him that mixed-up feelings are normal, that he's going to feel anger and regret and guilt and all the other things that seem like they don't make sense.

Lately, it's just been anger. Anger at Joel for hurting him. Anger at himself, for being so blind. Sometimes even anger at Natsu, for not trying harder, even though Gray knows that's not fair.

He wishes that his emotions would have the decency to make sense at least some of the time.

"I wanna go visit," he says, picking at a loose thread in his jeans.

Natsu nods, leaning down and kissing Gray's forehead. "Okay," he says. "When do you wanna leave?"

-----

Magnolia is exactly the same as Gray remembers it. It's a surprisingly chilly day, and the light dusting of snow from the night before still clings to the railing of his parent's porch. Nothing has changed – there's still the chair that Gray used to spend his summers reading in, and the front mat that says come as you are.